Forced Entry

FE Quickies: Marketing

2009-02-11T13:01:00.000-08:00

It annoys me that every company has to have a stupid little trademark saying now.

Cadillac - break through
Subway - eat fresh
Allstate - are u in good hands?
Taco Bell - think outside the bun.

Marketing pisses me off. I hate listening to people try to whore their products on me. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to break through, I don't want to eat fresh, and I don't want to think outside the bun. What kinda fucking nerve to these companies have that they can tell me what to do every second of every day.

They never even ask anymore. They don't say "Want to try my taco? You might like it". No, instead it's "Here, eat this fucking thing. Oh, you don't like tacos? Well shut the fuck up and pay me $2 and eat the fucking thing anyway, because your life sucks without tacos. What the fuck is the matter with you that you don't want a taco. It's the only thing standing in your way to pure happiness. You're fucking miserable now. You're gonna die alone unless you eat our tacos.

Its fucking awful now. Everyone just wants to make money. And everyone's product is the best. And if not, they just put an athlete in the commercial. "Oh man i hate sprite. Wait LeBron James drinks sprite, get me a 12 pack. It has to be good if LeBron James drinks it. I bet it will make me a better basketball player too. I'm gonna obey my thirst." This country has turned into a non-stop whoring festival. Everywhere you look some blood sucking company has put its stupid logo all over it.

"I really enjoyed the Nokia Sugar Bowl and the Fed Ex Orange Bowl this year".

I'm afraid to grab my spankerchief under my bed because i know sooner or later its gonna have the Toyota symbol on it.

FE Quickies: Southern Accents

2009-02-09T10:53:00.000-08:00

I HATE people with southern accents. Stop using them. Theres nothing interesting about anyone with a southern accent. Its not 1870 anymore, put your 6-shooter away and progress with the rest of the country.

You're showoffs and no one wants to associate with some one who sounds like he just pulled his dick out of a horse. God that fucking annoys me.

Youre never gonna get a job sounding like that. If I'm a boss and the guy I'm interviewing opens the conversation with "Howdy" he can get right back on his horse and ride off into the sunset. And I'll take my chances with the lawsuit he files against me cause I'm sure he'll stop at a saloon first and get too drunk to show up.

The only thing you've ever brought to the table was Dolly Pardon's tits. And god forbid we ever have another civil war. They couldn't even win when technology was even, what are they gonna do now when we have automatic machine guns and bombs, and we see them charging at us with muskets and rakes. Its fuckin disgraceful.

-Fin-

Thurday Quickies Part 2: Kids

2008-09-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

B: Man, can you imagine in 2 years [name witheld] having a kid? Jesus, in 2 years I'll be lucky if I'm even out of my apartment and have a girlfriend. I'm not planning on kids for 5-7 years at LEAST.

G: I dont even know when ill have kids. I just hope ill get to use the word "planned" when i talk about them.

B: Yeah, you'll use that word when you and the girl are going to "planned" parenthood to discuss your "options".

G: Lucky for me I have some good lines for when i have to go to court for my illegit:

- "Thats impossible your honor, i pulled out"

- "I didnt plan on hitting her, but when she told me she was pregnant i didn't have many options"

- "________" (that's the sound of me not showing up)

I say all that like i wouldn't have moved away the minute she told me.

B: Here's some more:

"I gave her those wire hangers because I thought she'd have to buy extra clothes for the baby"

"Those steps were covered in vegetable oil BEFORE I found out about it, I swear"

"What? We used to always lock each other in closets and blow cigarette smoke through the vents."

"The book 101 ways to kill a fetus? Ok, I have no explanation for that, sorry"

/FIN

Thursday Quickies: Part 1--

2008-09-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the hiatus, FE fans... we're very busy in our real lives, but that's no excuse for our lack of awful jokes.

So to keep things rolling, a some quick blurbs, "ripped from the headlines"

From one of our own after witnessing a goth kid:

G: how can parents let their kids dress like that? If my son ever looked like that i would fuck him up. And if my daughter did it I'd molest her (this time there would actually be a reason behind it) and then I'd fuck her up too.

B: I love how you're looking for any excuse to molest your daughter.

her: Dad, I got a B+ on my social studies test!

you: You didn't get an A? (licking fingers) Come with me...

G: And the only reason she didn't get an A was because i molested her the night before the test. Her crying and losing self-esteem really impacted her study habits that night.

/fin

Guest post: "Cuss Control" Author James V. O'Connor

2008-07-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

Why hello there. I'm James V. O'Connor, founder of the Cuss Control Academy and author of "Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing" (on sale now at Amazon.com). I'd like to thank the good folks at Forced Entry for allowing me the forum to give you fine readers a brief overview of my beliefs. And also to plug my book, on sale now, at Amazon.com.

I don't know about you people, but cussing sure seems to have gone way up around me. I mean, even in my humble midwestern town, people seem to be using the f-word and the s-word and the V-A-G-I-N-A-L-B-L-E-E-D-I-N-G words without a second thought nowadays. It just makes me uncomfortable, dagnabit, and I believe that it's the first sign of the decline of our civilization. It is for this reason that I've decided to lead a revolution in clean speaking, which I believe leads to intelligent living. I think a well-spoken society leads to a more literate and educated society, and can enjoy the finer things in life, like reading my book, available through Amazon.com and possibly at a retailer near you if you continue to pester them with threatening letters with the persistance of an OCD patient for a few dozen weeks.

I know what you're asking. "Mr. O'Connor, your book sounds very intriguing, and you have given me every reason to want to learn more about your methods. Can you explain your technique a little further?"

And my answer to that is, "of course-- but I can only provide you a teaser, because if you want the full in-depth discussion, I actually wrote a whole fudrucking book about it-- available at Amazon.com or in a box in my basement.

You see, when I get angry, I don't feel the need to shout expletives, or even to mutter them under my breath. There are many more healthy alternatives to get that anger out. For example, the next time you get cut off in traffic, and feel the need to call the perpetrator some form of sodomite or a female reproductive organ, instead just think about how much worse some people have it in life, such as a quadriplegic or a child with Down's Syndrome. After a few moments reflecting on those waterheads, you should be chuckling and in a better mood in no time at all.

Now you might think of me as a stick in the mud, just trying to ruin your good time with all this clean talk, but the truth is I like a good joke as much as the next guy. In fact, at my old job, I was known as the office cut-up. And I earned that reputation with nary a 4-letter word coming out of my mouth.

As I teach in my course, and in my book (on sale now at Amazon.com), a good technique to use is to think up funny sounding words as alternatives to cuss words. Personally, I get a chuckle out of nonsense words like wizzle wazzle, flim flam, and miscarriage. Using these words also shows just how creative and innovative you can be with language, instead of lazily relying on the old offensive standbys to get a laugh out of people.

Also, clean speaking shouldn't keep you from ribbing your friends and peers, a tradition in the O'Connor household. But in my case, I do it without the invectives that would make some of the more sensitive types shy away. A good example of this was when we had hired a young go-getter from the local state college--a gentleman who happened to be of the darker persuasion. He would use some of what I dub the "soft cusses" like the h-e-double-hockey-sticks, and the one that is reserved for God's bidding. So instead of trying to one-up him on that front, I just turned to him with a chuckle, patted him on the shoulder, and said to him "boy are you one shiny eggplant". My co-workers laughed and laughed, and the best part is that we did it the right way, without using offensive and, in my opinion, barbaric language.

Unfortunately, I have to cut this little blurb short, because otherwise I'll give away all the secrets that are in my book, which in case you didn't realize is for sale at Amazon.com. But I'd like to thank you fine folks for reading this far, and hopefully you all learned a little something.

Tuesday Quickies

2008-07-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

In which we dispense quick, one-liner advice to people who stumbled on our site by searching various topics. We assume these people are subtly crying out for help, so we're here to provide some philanthropy.

To the guy who found us by searching "Celebrity Death Photos"
-Take a walk in the nearest park and enjoy the weather. Please leave any weaponry at home.

To the guy who found us by searching "I saw her underwear"
-Try to strike up a conversation with the next attractive woman you see in public. Family members and girls under the age of 14 do not count. Also, refrain from any unprovoked groping as much as possible.

To the guy who found us by searching "pee"
-Keep doing what you're doing. You're A-OK in our book.

To the guy who found us by searching "dogshiteating"
-Start writing your own blog IMMEDIATELY, and send us a link.

To the guy who found us by searching "lady forced to fuck"
-Go out, enjoy a riveting game of raquetball, have a health salad and a bottle of Dasani, and then go home and open up an artery.

Hope we could be of some help to you all!

Thanks, but no thanks

2008-06-05T10:39:00.001-07:00

A recent conversation with someone offering their services to our site, for a small fee.

"Hey there Forced Entry! I'm Alan, a big fan of your site, and I wanted to help you guys out. I'm a photoshop expert, and I really want an outlet for my creativity. My current blog, Confessions of an Auto-Asphyxiate and Bed-Wetter, just isn't getting the hits I expected, and when I clicked on your sitemeter and saw the literal DOZENS of hits you guys get daily, I figured I should try to hitch my wagon to YOUR star."

FE: Okay, so what did you have in mind?

Alan: "I was thinking maybe I could show you some of my work, and you can decide if you'd have a place for it on your website. I charge very reasonable freelance prices, too."

FE: [checking watch] Um, okay, lets see some of the things you've got for us.

Alan: "Okay, how about this. It's sort of a work-in-progress, but you can probably get the overall feel for what I'm trying to portray."

[Shows us a picture of Heath Ledger naked and dead on his bed with an audience laughing in the background, and the caption reads "Dead Faggot"]

FE: Hmm, that might be a little harsh for our audience. We consider Heath Ledger a treasured actor and wouldn't want to hurt his legacy in any way, in light of his recent death.

Alan: "Okay, okay, I don't want to offend anyone, of course, of course. How about something a little more highbrow. Some political commentary maybe?"

FE: Sure, we've been trying to up the intelligence of this blog for quite some time now.

Alan: "Great! Oh shit, where are my political pictures? Lets see here....pedophilia, past girlfriends (recently deceased), porn (man-beast)--oops, went too far-- here it is, politics. Here's one I've been sitting on for a while."

[pulls out a picture of Princess Diana's funeral, with her son kicking over her casket and a caption reading: "Is this how a prince should behave?"]

FE: [whispering to each other]

Hmm, we're a little confused by what you're trying to say there. Also, the Princess Di issue is a little outdated, do you have anything more in tune with the current political atmosphere?

Alan: "Oh most definitely! I actually worked for a little bit on the Hillary campaign, pro-bono--but after the restraining order, I was thinking of switching sides and supporting McCain. I hate to show this to you, because I was hoping that I could use it at a crucial point in the general election to put McCain over the top in November. It's probably my greatest achievement--something that will really make the liberals take a long look at who they're voting into office and maybe scare some sense into them."

[Pulls out a picture of Obama biting a baby's neck, with the caption "Do we really want a n*gger president?]

FE: You know, we're actually pretty much over budget as it is right now, but we'll call you if we have any needs you might be able to help us with.

Alan: "But I didn't even give you my number! Hold on, DON'T WALK AWAY! I have my card somewhere here... Ah! Here it is!"

FE: Um, this is an official NAMBLA membership card.

Alan: "Yeah!"

[15 seconds of silence]

FE: [slowly backs away]

Alan: "Don't forget ol' Alan! For all your photoshop needs!"

Forced Entry Presents: Philosophy Corner

2008-05-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

After the abject failure that was the Forced Entry Poetry Corner, we have decided to take the high-brow approach in another direction this week.

We here at Forced Entry often take zen-like approach to life, and one common exercise in our offices is to meditate on the existential questions of our time. Such topics include black holes, the end of the universe, and potential rifts in the time-space continuum.

All great topics for another time.

Today, we'd like to consider something equally baffling and mystifying: that is, the common game of Ookie Cookie, found typically at college fraternity initiations and high school lacrosse parties all over the country.

There's so much we don't understand about Ookie Cookie, that we decided the best course of action would be to hunt down and request a quote from the top philosophers of our time on this phenomenon--

Leszek Kolkowski, the socialist Polish philosopher, well-known for his critiques of Marxism.

"Who wins? The guy who cums first? Do you consider yourself a winner if you do that? Perhaps if you win at ookie cookie, you've lost at life."

Dario Salas Sommor, Ph.D. Self-proclaimed "spiritual guide", author, and founder of the Institute for Hermetic Philosophy.

"What kind of cookie do you use? If Im gonna eat a cookie covered in cum, it better not be a shitty oatmeal raisin cookie."

Roger T. Aimes, professor of Confucianism and Daoism at the University of Hawaii.

"Do you consider yourself straight after you played? If you've played, you've managed to get hard and cum to the sight of 4 or 5 other guys jerking off. Call me crazy, but thats fucking gay."

Nicholas Wolstroff, Professor Emeritus at Yale University and author of such lauded works as Divine Discourse and Faith and Rationality.

"Put everything else aside for a second. Say you do play and you "lose"... what could possibly make you eat the cookie? Threats? I definitly consider getting my ass kicked by 5 people a better option than eating a cookie covered in semen."

TOP FIVE TUESDAY!

2008-05-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

Today's topic: Top 5 Random things that annoy you.

(Hey, all you anonymous litigious commenters-- despite being probably the #1 thing that annoys us about running this blog, we welcome your personal top 5's in the comments)

1- The fact that Rolling Stone has the cast from The Hills on their cover. When did Rolling Stone turn into Tiger Beat? If this were 10 years ago, these whores would've been coked-out and dead by now and nobody would have cared. But in the age of reality TV, they're superstars. I hate our generation.

Bonus commentary: I still dont understand who watches the Hills. Fat chicks? I don't get it. What could possibly be entertaining about that show? Nothing happens. Its just a bunch of rich cunts doing normal everyday shit. And they're fucking stupid too. And its not like I need "Frasier" type dialog to be entertained, but they're the dumbest bitches I've ever heard. And they all have such serious problems too. Its tough to be rich and famous even though you've done NOTHING to earn it. I despise everyone on that show. Even the really hot girl. And she is fucking smoking, but I don't care. If I dated her I would treat her like absolute shit. I'd make her wear a dog collar and eat her own vomit just to bring her down to earth. And I wouldn't let her use a tampon either, so when she was in public everyone would see her period all over her legs. And all those fucking faggot guys on that show should be sent to Rikers Island for a month. See how good you feel after spending a few weeks as man-pussy. God thinking about that show puts me in a fucking bad mood.

2- Related to that, New York Magazine had some show called "Gossip Girl" on the cover a few weeks ago. I don't know what that is, but apparently it's some fluff crap that's everyone's secret "guilty pleasure" (tee hee). If I hear one more person use the phrase "OMG", even ironically, I'm gonna strangle them until their eyes pop out of their head.

3- Self-important douches that use the word "entrepreneur". Anyone who uses this term is either a complete bore or is so into themselves that they probably shit in a box and save it for prosperity.

4- People that refer to themselves as a "fiscal conservative". I call them "fist-hole" conservatives. (because they enjoy a good ass-fisting in their personal lives, you see)

5- Assholes who brag about not owning a TV. Wow congratulations, you're either an overly religious mennonite or someone who doesn't know how to exert any form of self-control. You make owning a TV seem worse than being addicted to crystal meth. It's a shame you can't do things in moderation, but maybe that's not TV's fault.

An Interview with Robin Williams' son Cody

2008-05-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

We recently chatted for a bit with Robin Williams' son Cody about growing up with the superstar comedian, what day-to-day life was like in his shadow, and also on his recent divorce.

FE: Tell us about day-to-day life growing up with your dad

I gotta say, as a child growing up it was great. Every day, you'd never know what to expect from him. On a given day, he'd be dressed up like a clown serving me soup out of a giant hippopotamus head while doing imitations of all my favorite cartoons while I ate lunch. He always stayed so in character, that even when I would go upstairs to bed, I'd hear him from my room still using the Popeye voice to talk to my mother. She really needed that, I think, because whenever he would wind down and eventually crash and fall asleep (usually around 5 in the morning), I'd hear her sobbing uncontrollably. It's great that he could keep her spirits up for so late into the night.

FE: Did his antics ever bother you?

I have to admit, it got a little tiring by the time I got to middle school. Every day at dinner he would pick up his food and pretend it was talking. This was every day, without fail. It got to the point where my mom stopped cooking, because half of the dinner would end up down his pants or smeared on the windows from one of his "bits". And if you ever tried interrupting him, you'd probably end up with mashed potatoes in your hair while he did his "swishy gay hair dresser" impression, pretending to give you a dye job.

FE: How do you feel about him now?

Well, I definitely have anger issues. When I would have a bad day at school, and come home to him wearing some kind of goofy costume and running around and yelling, I never knew how to react. I didn't find him funny, but no matter how much I asked him to stop, he'd just amp up the volume.

Also, he sort of built these stereotypes of people in my head. When I started to grow out of cartoons, he was right there with me, changing his impressions to reflect everything that I enjoyed. I started listening to rap music, so he started to do his impression of a black guy a lot around the house. There weren't any black people in our neighborhood growing up, so I always assumed that all black guys point down all the time when they talk and pose in b-boy stances after everything they say. Boy was I surprised when I first met one at college and attempted to communicate with him! I guess my impression wasn't as good as my dad's, because I got my ass kicked on a regular basis, no matter how hard I tried to get it right.

FE: Was there ever a moment when you thought he went too far?

You know those days when you just want to go home and sit down by yourself and relax after a shitty day? I recall one of those specifically. He burst into my room and starts jumping around and yelling in his different voices, spraying silly-string all over. And this was the 5^th day in a row he did this. This was the day I started cutting my wrists for fun.

Another time was when I went to my aunt's funeral. My mom's sister died, and he showed up to the funeral in a clown costume with a dildo strapped onto his face. When the owner of the funeral home quietly asked him to please come back dressed more appropriately, he started running around in circles yelling while swinging his dick around in his hand. I was crippled with embarrassment.

FE: That sounds awfully inappropriate.

Yeah, it was pretty terrible.

FE: Before we let you go, we need to ask about your parents' recent divorce. What are your thoughts on it?

I personally thought that mom waited way too long to do it. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when she had a business client coming over to work on closing a deal. She works in real estate, and was really counting on this meeting going well. So she called dad before getting to the house to warn him:

"Please don't embarrass me today. I'm having a very important client over."

"I understand", he said, and hung up the phone.

As soon as the woman walks in the door, there he was, swinging from a vine with a full pirate suit on. And by the time he got down, the woman was already starting her car to get out of there.

After that, we--[checks his phone]--hold on a second, I'm getting a text. Shit I gotta go, my dad's sending me pictures of people using public urinals again. Goddammit, he said that was his last time.

*Cody mutters something under his breath and sprints away*

Google Trend-a-go-go

2008-05-09T13:46:00.001-07:00

In which we take the top ten google hits of the moment and weave them into a tale for all to see. This is what is known as "topical humor":

So I was in the backyard yesterday holding down a green puppy and jerking off on its face, when I thought to myself "I really hate the fucking Duggar family. Especially that dumpy whore Michelle Duggar." So I walked inside to tell my fat japanese wife Nima Arkani Hamed about this, and there she was sitting on the couch eating and stinking like her own feces. Maybe it was that or maybe it was the fact that she blew a British man named Brea Grant while he read his UK daily mail, but I decided to break a case logic 6" flexible tripod over her fat skull and then piss on her while layed on the ground shaking. Around 20 minutes later I was done laughing at the urine soaked disgrace on my floor, when I got a call from my friend Maurice. He told me Kim Moses and Marie Jarry were dyking out on his couch, and he wanted me to come over so we could try to jam a segway up their asses. Today was a good day.

Have a Happy Kay Jewelers™ Mother's Day

2008-05-08T19:42:00.000-07:00

Kay Jewelers wants to be the official sponsor of Mother's Day.

To spark things off, they're beginning a contest for a take off of one of their Mother's Day commercials they had run the past few years. You may have seen it--a mother drives home from apparently shopping or cleaning the car or whatever it is that suburban housewives do away from the home, and there's her husband and kids, all with instruments singing an original "Happy Mother's Day" song.

As part of their campaign, they want user submissions for the most touching Mother's Day moments you can capture on camera.

We cant wait for our version to air on TV.

Halfway through the song the garage door slams shut and locks. And then a fire breaks out inside. And after all her kids are dead, shes just sitting on the side of the street sniffling and says “This is the worst Mothers day ever”. Then the dad calls her a selfish cunt, and goes next door to fuck the 15 year old neighbor.

It should be on TV any time now.

Forced Entry Field Trip: The Silent Rave in Union Square

2008-04-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to shake off the notion that anonymous internet nerds suck the funny out of everything, as we had been starting to notice taking place on this very site, two-thirds of the gang at Forced Entry (“gang at forced entry”, that oughtta up the google hits) decided to take a field trip into New York City to get drunk and enjoy some interaction with some real life human beings. And boy are we glad we did. As we were walking through Union Square this past Friday night, we stumbled upon what has to be some sort of world record for the largest gathering of people to ever embarrass themselves at the same time.

The idea apparently started—you guessed it—on the internet. You know those internet memes that just don’t seem to go away? Where people make the same tired joke over and over and over again and think that they’re clever whereas they’re actually just aping whatever e-trend seems to be taking over the blogs these days? This is that concept in human form. Only much, much douche-chillingly worse.

What can be worse than running a stupid Chuck Norris or Rick Astley reference into the fucking ground, you ask? Well, first of all it has to include dancing. But let’s raise the bar a little more —let’s include dancing without any fucking music.

You see, this is a SILENT rave, where everyone dances to the beat of their own iPod. So to outside observers like us, it’s just a bunch of white people without any rhythm enhanced a thousand times because there’s no music to mask that fact even a little bit.

So we decided to make our way into the crowd and get a little information on who these people really are and what made them decide to join in this shame-fest.

This is Kirsten. Kirsten is from Long Island and heard about this dance party from Facebook. She came here because she “didn’t have anything else to do”. Also her current boyfriend “can’t maintain an erection” and she’s secretly looking for someone who “doesn’t cream themselves while watching Japanese animated rape porn”. She invited us to listen to one of her ear buds and dance along to this hot Sheryl Crow number, but we politely declined.

Here’s Keith and Kathy, not necessarily in that order. We forgot which was which after they told us. The one on the left was brutish and more than a little scary when we tried engaging in conversation, so we’ll assume that one’s Keith. Keith was floor punching, thrashing around, and head-butting everyone and everything that came near him, so we tried to keep our distance, but we snuck in a quick snapshot right before he came over and socked us in the nuts. You can see the enraged look on his face as he realized what we were doing.

Kathy, as you can see, is blissfully unaware of her surroundings, just happy to be in Keith’s presence and under his protection. She’s even holding his iPod for him. What a nice young lady. She should really use some Nair on those sideburns though.

If we had to venture guesses as to what they were listening to, we’d say Keith is listening to Scrotum Grinder and Kathy is listening to Vampire Weekend.

Ethan was standing in an empty area, sort of swaying side-by-side, and his eyes looked glassy and distant. We walked up to him to talk and after he gave us his name, he sort of grunted, shuffled aside, and walked away. It was at that point we noticed that his ear buds weren’t plugged into anything.

Moving right along…

The night started to get even more embarrassing as some different crowds started to make their way over to the silent rave. Our guess was that this was such an epic mass of doucheyness that it created a magnet effect which sucked in all the shameless tangential douches within a 10 block radius. They began attracting like flies.

It began with these fun-lovers:

Nothing says fun like wacky get-ups and bubbles. The guy in the back there appears to be involuntarily cringing.

Then came the battle of the century:

It started with this guy, who stood outside the mass of off-rhythm gyrating sweaty bodies and held that creepy smile on his face the entire night. He was getting hugs left and right, no doubt for the hard work he put into that terrific sign of his. When he told us that he used only a piece of paper and a magic marker to make that masterpiece, we were taken aback.

However, his popularity only raised the ire of this fellow:

This guy claimed that he had been there “hours earlier than that asshole” and he was given “at least, like, 400 hugs already, and now this guy’s coming in and taking my territory”. We can definitely understand why he was so upset though--his simple t-shirt, which sports the phrase “Free Hugz, CHANGE THE World” on it, just can’t compete with a plastic-smiled gentleman holding a professionally made sign consisting of bubble-letters, peace signs, hearts, and a smiley face. We did not ask what that was dripping out of his backpack.

Just as we thought the game was over on the Free Hugs competition, a new contestant made their way over:

These chicks started taking business away from both of the dudes, so the dudes began to get desperate. First, “sign guy” (he wouldn’t give us his name for some unknown reason) went out and recruited people to stage fake hugs in front of everyone, so he could still give the appearance that he was a hot commodity, and that a hug from him was more valuable than a hug that contains two sets of breasts. It got so pathetic that he actually walked to the nearest corner, and handed a bum 2 dollars in exchange for a long, smelly embrace.

That’s not coffee in that styrofoam cup.

“T-Shirt guy” walked off in a huff, yammering something about how the Free Hugs campaign has become commodified and corporatized and some other such nonsense that we didn’t understand. Unfortunately for “sign guy”, however, this drop in competition and his desperate shenanigans with the bum didn’t keep the guys and girls from attracting to the females for their hugs.

But he was undaunted. Little did we know that he had one last ace up his sleeve in a last-minute desperation move for some form of human contact and attention:

It was at this point that we decided to get the hell out of the area.

2008-04-24T05:52:00.001-07:00

parody

par·o·dy [ párrədee ]

noun (plural par·o·dies)

Definition:

1. amusing imitation: a piece of writing or music that deliberately copies another work in a comic or satirical way

2. parodies in general: parodies as a literary or musical style or genre

3. poor imitation: an attempt or imitation that is so poor that it seems ridiculous

transitive verb (past and past participle par·o·died, present participle par·o·dy·ing, 3rd person present singular par·o·dies)

Definition:

imitate somebody or something comically: to write or perform a parody of somebody or something

[Late 16th century. Via late Latin<> parōidia< para "secondary, indirect" + ōidē "song"]

pa·rod·ic [ pə róddik ] adjective

pa·rod·i·cal [ pə róddik'l ] adjective

pa·rod·i·cal·ly adverb

par·o·dist [ párrədist ] noun

Mr. Violette

2008-04-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

We've gotten quite a bit of feedback about our bit of news on Eric Violette (aka the FreeCreditReport.com guy).

There have been some conflicting views, some supporting views, some thinly-veiled threats of legal action, and even a comment by someone who appears to be the man himself, as well as his sister.

Our only recourse as a responsible journalistic entity would be to request an interview with Mr. Violette and allow the man a chance to explain his side of the story and perhaps clear his name of these wild accusations.

As professionals, we are not at liberty to reveal our source, but given the clues we gave in the initial article, it's probably not all that difficult to narrow it down.

Anyways, Mr. Violette, if you are interested in explaining how this story may have come to us and wish to comment on its validity, contact us at forcedentryblog@gmail.com and we'll be glad to give you the proper forum to speak your mind.

Getting to know our readers

2008-04-17T13:08:00.000-07:00

Meet Igor.

Igor stumbled upon our site while googling the phrase "gay Forced Entry", which I think we could all agree is a pretty accurate description of our little waste of web space here.

Igor is from the city of Kiev, Ukraine-- where anal rape is a right of passage, and also a pastime not unlike our love of baseball here in the Americas.

Igor stopped by our humble blog for only a minute, finding us through our article, The Definitive Definition of a Sport-- which, sadly, didn't have unwilling plunging of the anal cavity listed. He left soon after.

This here is Robert.

Robert isn't as far as Igor from our home base of the New York metropolitan area, as he resides in Potomac, Maryland.

Robert is a much more savvy internet user than Igor, a fact that his neckbeard, bowtie, and 17-pound jowels might tip you off to. He has gone further into Google, using the blog search tool to advance his way and find our blog by searching the phrase "humping my wife blog", which led him to our most recent article before this one, The Tuesday Randomizer.

Sorry, Robbie-- the humping my wife blog unfortunately has no affiliation with our blog here. We've asked our wives why they won't share some of their web traffic with us, but they just spit some bleach-smelling white substance at us and laughed.

Finally, we have Peter.

Peter found us by googling the term "someone in a boat".

There are no jokes that can possibly be made by such a boring web search. Thanks, Pete, you ruined this entire fucking column, you vanilla-flavored douche.

Also, the picture of Mike Tyson from our inaugural column, Mike Tyson... A True Champion, remains the single highest reason for our web traffic. If one is going to have a web site called Forced Entry, we can't think of a much better representative than Iron Mike, so if you haven't checked out our tribute to him, now would be a good time to check it out.

Note: These web searches are all real. The pictures may or may not accurately represent the people who made these searches, but I'd say there's about a 90% chance that they are correct.

Poetry, porn, implants: the Tuesday randomizer

2008-04-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

Apparently, our Poetry Corner last Friday was a huge hit, because we got a terrific poem in our gmail (likely from one of our vast army of readers) that somehow went to my Spam box-- can you believe that Google thought the gem I'm about to share with you people was somehow the work of an ignorant spammer?

Anyways, it sparked a healthy discussion that I think all can enjoy. The poem is entitled:

Beat her womb with your new big rod, so that she knew who wears the pants!

Now that you've got a gal that's hot
You wanna hump her juicy twat.
She looks so sizzling, she's so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will wish for more?
You need a dong she would adore!
But how to get it long and thick?
Your only hope is MegaDik!
You'll get so wanted super-size
And see wild craving in her eyes!
Your rod will slam her box so deep,
Tonight you'll hardly fall asleep!

So try today this wonder-pi'll
And change your life at your own will!

Commentary:

G: hahahahaha Does the average guy call it a twat? Who are they making this product pertain to?

B: Yeah I really want to meet some of the people who click on these ads and actually send money for this stuff. I wanna know if they actually receive the product and if they're satisfied with it.

"Oh yeah, I love Mega Dik. I pound my wife's twat every night after taking that"

I mean, the ability to beat a chick's womb is really enticing.

G: Usually when I beat on a womans womb, its with my fist.

B: yeah usually when something is "stirring" in there

G: Sexiest porn quote ever: "But I poop from there"

B: I remember watching one where a white chick was fucking a black guy, and she's like "my granddaddy owned your granddaddy". How did that guy not punch her right in the face?

G:

They really need to stop all acting and story lines in porn. Its all bad acting and bad writing. Just stick to the interview and then the fucking. I don't want a movie out of it. Cause it's never a hot story line. It's always the same corny scenario. The cop who is wearing a sleeveless police uniform comes in to help a lady. He already has an erection before he walks in the door. And the helpless young lady who's 21 and has fake tits and a clit ring just happens to be masturbating on her kitchen table. Then theres usually one cheesy line like "Need a hand" and then she just starts blowing him.

I HATE fake tits.

B: Yeah I agree, anyone who tries to make porn "art" just sucks. All the acting is embarrassing, and nobody gives a shit about a storyline. Do you think anyone keeps watching after they've finished jerking off to see how the story ends?

"Oh, so the teacher gave her an A after she blew him, I didn't see that one coming"

And as for fake tits, very rarely there will be fake tits that are well done, but usually they just look like googly-eyes with the nipples going in separate directions. I'd rather just see small tits that jiggle normally than these balls of chemicals stuffed inside them.

Have you seen Jenna Jameson lately? She looks like Michael Jackson

G: yeah, thats not a good look.

The only time fake tits look good is when the girl has a shirt on and is showing cleavage.

B: she looks like the crypt keeper

G:

Eww. What the fuck?

Dude she used to have a hot face, it wasnt just her body. Goddamn it.

What has this country come to? People now walk around with fake body parts. And not because they were missing limbs or had an accident. Some shallow whore wants lip implants. Maybe her husband will come back now. Its fucking pathetic.

B: Yeah and lip implants never look good either. They always look like they were just stung by bees.

And her body is fucked up too. She looks rail thin and all her bones are jutting out of her skin. Ever since she started dating Tito, she fucked herself up.

Forced Entry Presents: Poetry Corner

2008-04-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

We're fans of high art here at Forced Entry, and we have lots of friends who share this passion with us. We figured since it's Friday, we'd take the day off and allow some of our friends of all ages, mental capacities, and racial tolerances take over with some off-the-cuff poetry.

First up is our friend's son Timmy. Timmy is seven years old and is diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar disorder, which is unfortunate, but these diseases have blessed him with a tremendous ability to paint a picture of his condition using the written word. Lets hear his haiku and experience 3 stanzas of what life must be like struggling with something this tough:

Retard in my head
Fucking my brain up all day
Get the fuck out, tard

Astonishing.

Next up is Craig, an old friend from college who has still yet to really cope with the fact that he graduated 9 years ago and is still desperately clinging to his glory days. We caught up with him at the local college bar between swaying to "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" and rocking out to "Pour Some Sugar On Me" to get him to dig deep into a personal hardship and put it into haiku form.

She said no loudly

I said fuck you bitch love me

Fried chicken post sex

Next up we have our neighbor Mr. Schmidt. He's a 43 year ol---

Girl drunk at party

Got all my friends together

BUKKAKE FOR LIFE

Hey, Craig. One poem per person man.

Next up, we have our neighbor Mr. Schmidt, a hard working man who is always happy to lend a hand when you need to borrow some tools or lend you some advice about anything from girls to cars-- a real everyman. He was on his way to work when we caught up with him and asked if he had something to say about his community, preferably in Haiku form.

Niggers around me

I really think I should move

I dont like niggers

Ummm....

Moving right along, lets go back and hang out with our buddy Bubba, an unemployed 20 year old who doesn't shower or brush his teeth, but generally a pretty good guy. Lets see if he's got any insight into his daily life he can share with us.

girlfriend is crying
kind of awkward, what to do?
ignore her, fuck it

Umm... anything else you'd like to share in haiku form, Bubba?

There once was a girl who was crying
I told her to shut up, she's lying
She picked up a knife
and took her own life
And now I feel bad that she's dying

Okay that wasn't a haiku, that was a limerick. But come to think of it, limericks are way better than haikus. They're harder to do, have more words, and force you to actually rhyme words-- and we all know it's not real poetry if the words don't rhyme. Lets check in with some other people and see if they can do some limericks.

There once was a hooker who was sad

She knew what she was doing was bad

She decided to try

to figure out why

Then remembered being fingered by her dad.

Thanks Craig, but we're looking for a few other--

There once was a man with the shits
His bowels would cause the man fits
He wiped day and night
But try as he might
He couldn't quit keeping out dicks

Um... lets get back to Mr. Schmidt.

Typical nigger with braids

Wants nothing but a big chain and flashy shades

Has nothing better to do

Than fight, rap, and screw

And infecting women with aids.

A man laid naked on his bed

I realized quickly he was dead

I say with no regret

Thats what you get

For giving another cowboy head.

We're never doing this again.

Forced Entry Exclusive! "FreeCreditReport.com Guy" Charged on Gun, Drug Possession

2008-04-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

We here at Forced Entry know some people, that know some people, that live in Canada, and work for a local campus newspaper. Fortunately for us, these people are quite gossipy about their job. Unfortunately for them, they don't know we run a website which has no qualms with putting their job in jeopardy.

Personally, I have no idea who this guy is, but apparently he's something of a b-celebrity in Vancouver.

Apparently there is a struggle from this guy's PR girl to suppress this story, as this would really harm his reputation. There was even talk of a monetary exchange in order to keep this story under wraps, which according to our source isn't all that uncommon for a college newspaper with very little power and distribution.

-----------------------

To the article:

Actor/Comedian Eric Violette was formally charged with carrying unregistered loaded firearms and $1.7 Million worth of raw heroin in his truck.

Police patrolling the University of British Columbia campus in Vancouver stopped the man best known for his comedic parody songs in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials on March 28th, after noticing the 31 year-old's vehicle was missing both its license plates. What they eventually found inside the car was much more surprising than the absent tags.

A campus police spokesperson confirmed that the French-Canadian Violette, accompanied at the time by an eleven year-old boy whose name was withheld for legal reasons, was formally charged for carrying unregistered loaded guns as well as narcotics with the intention to distribute, following an earlier arrest for investigation of unlawfully carrying firearms in 2005.

Violette is due to appear in court on Wednesday, where he is expected to be arraigned on two separate charges. He is currently free on $50,000 bail, the campus police spokesperson said.

According to authorities, the campus cop who stopped his leased Chevy Tahoe spotted a gun inside the vehicle, peeking out from under the driver's seat. A subsequent search of the car turned up another weapon from under the front passenger seat, where the child was seated, and the aforementioned bags of raw heroin in the glove compartment.

Violette was most recently working on his debut album after gaining a small following through his stand-up work and commercial jingles.

Top 10 of the moment... Worst terms for sex

2008-04-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

T:

1 - Porking

2 - doinking

3 - making woopie

4 - horizontal mambo

5 - hokey pokey

6 - hide the sausage

7 - the nasty

8 - bumpin uglies

9 - the scientific term: intercourse

10 -deflower

Acceptable terms:

Fuck

sex

do it

Bonus Discussion:
is there a stupider way to say "fucking" than "jumping her bones"?

It makes the girl seem like she weighs 80 pounds and that she's gonna shatter once you mount her to start fucking.

When I want to get a girl in the mood I usually say "Im gonna pork you real good later."

Whenever anyone says "pork" to describe fucking I always imagine it smelling really bad.

I fucking hate people who use those innuendo terms. The Horizontal Mambo. Or "Im gonna stick the hotdog in the bun." Hopefully the hotdog is a gun and the bun is his mouth.

And doinking sucks too. That doesnt even sound like sex. It sounds like you accidently poked her in the wrong spot with your dick.

Top 10 of the moment: Girls we wanted to fuck in our youth

2008-03-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

Only 2 of us doing it today, as one-third of Forced Entry is sick from about 3 straight weeks of various drugs and alcohol combined with training for a decathlon or something.

Anyway, the topic of today's Top 10 is girls (or guys, I guess, if one was ever feeling bi-curious in their youthful indiscretions) that we wanted to fuck in our youth. "Youth" is a pretty relative term, so we'll define it as any time before high school.

And we're off. (names have been changed to protect our asses)

G:

1. Stephanie Harrington. Before she got AIDS, she was the hottest girl in middle school. Then she started fucking February people.

2. Mrs. Sweetney. My second grade teacher. She was so fucking hot.

3. Sorsha from Willow.

4. Alberta S. For whatever fucking reason, I wanted her in 6th grade.

5. Asia Olimar. She was the hottest girl in elementary school.

6. This girl Alicia who used to live next door to me when I lived in Staten Island. I was real young. She peed outside in front of me one time and I think thats what made me like her. Then I threw up in her basement. I think thats what destined me to fuck up in all my relationships.

7. Another elementary school crush. Martina Robertson. That was like 1st grade.

8. I liked Jessica McGinnis in kindergarten because one day another girl pulled up her skirt and I saw her underwear. Now Jessica does heroin, steals checks and prostitutes herself.

9. My friend's older cousin Becky. I used to like her cause I used to see her in a bathing suit all the time. She's a drug addict too now. And she got her kid taken away from her cause she got drunk and left her in a bar.

10. My old babysitter. Her name was Becky too. I had the biggest crush on her. She was blonde too. I remember one time we went to her house and we were swimming in her pool and two of her guy friends came over on motorcycles and threw her in the pool with her clothes on. They were my enemies for most of my childhood.

W:

1- Miss Leonardo - A teacher in elementary school. She always wore these tight ass mini skirts and low cut shirts. I think she was fucking the gym teacher at the time. At least that was the rumor. (I remember I saw her at a diner a few years ago, and god damn did she let herself go after she got married. All bloated and stuffing her fat face with an omelet. That was a real disappointment.)

2- That bimbo chick from USA Up All Night - Anyone else remember this chick? She just seemed like a real whore for some reason. She acted real ditzy all the time. It didn't take much back when I was like 8 years old.

3- Melissa Washington - She was the first girl I really wanted to fuck, before I even knew what exactly fucking was. This was in 3rd/4th grade. Her uncle beat me to it though.

4- Courtney Burns - My friend's little sister. Her face was a little "down's", but she had huge boobs when she was in like 6th grade. That family used to take me to their beach house every summer, and I just remember her walking out of the bathroom after taking a shower and the towel could barely cover those dripping wet things.

5- Matt Griffin's mom - She was kind of a cunt, but I could tell she fucked like a champ, because she bagged a lot of rich younger dudes. I always imagined myself banging her one day when Matt wasn't home. I bet if I offered, she would've taken me up on it, because she was a typical horny lonely housewife.

6- This girl Jennifer in my kindergarten class - She used to always rub up on dudes during lunch, but pretend it was an accident. I always looked forward to lunchtime in Kindergarten. She's probably in bukkake videos now.

7- Melody from Hey Dude - The blonde chick. Actually I think Ben Stiller is married to her now. I forget her real name. But yeah she could've gotten it. From then on I thought "Melody" was a hot name, until I worked with one who was a 350-pounder who didn't bathe and was always covered in ferret hair later in life.

8- Vampire chicks - I forget what movie it was from, but I must've been like 5 or 6 years old watching it. These female vampires would seduce dudes by getting naked and working them over a little bit, then they'd bite their necks and it would all be over. That shit affected me though. May have been the first time I got "affected", actually.

9- Christina Applegate/Nikki Cox - These two are tied, because they played basically the same role on basically the same show. But the "fake" Kelly Bundy was even hotter than the real Kelly Bundy, so I had to put her on there too. And no way "Nikki Cox" is her real name. I feel like she was all ready to enter the porn world, hot name and everything, then got snatched up (heh) last minute by UPN to star in that awful show. Anyways, I still wanted to fuck both of them.

10- My old babysitter Amy - I actually just remembered her now, which is amazing because I haven't thought of this chick in a long long time. I couldn't have been older than 4 or 5 years old.

CDT 2008 Round 1 - (1) Larry the Cable Guy vs. (16) Tila Tequila

2008-03-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Looks like a pretty lopsided match-up between a white trash unfunny comedian and a whore who has nothing to show for herself aside from her tits. Lets go to our celebrity experts:

DmcD:

Larry The Cable Guy ------------------------------

PROS: N/A

CONS: Hes fucking southern for one. Secondly, how does the phrase "Git R Done" get famous? What the hell does it even mean? Two of them aren't even words. Thanks to the south and a certain set of people, the English language is in shambles. The day "R" shows up in my dictionary as a legitimate word, is the day I kill my entire family ending with myself. We'll be better off.

Tila Tequila----------------------------------

PROS: Whore

CONS: Shes famous for doing NOTHING. But shes still a whore.

And the Winner is: Larry the Cable Guy. Very deserving of his #1 ranking, Larry needs to meet his death very soon. Why I have to see him on tv just about every day is completely beyond me. 10 years ago we laughed at people like that, now hes in fucking commercials. This is what people look up to now. We're headed in the right direction, for sure.

Vote: Larry the Cable Guy

BFQ:

Larry The Cable Guy ------------------------------

PROS: Absolutely zero.

CONS: In addition to the stupid fucking catch phrase, he pretends to be white trash but is actually a millionaire who grew up in Palm Beach. If you're gonna try "offensive" humor, at least be funny. Jim Norton is an example of a funny offensive comedian. Larry the Cable Guy is an example of a hack that uses worse material than your racist distant uncle who makes people feel uncomfortable at family gatherings with his terrible jokes. (Also cons: Delta Farce and the other movie where he plays himself but I can't think of the name)

An example of a Larry the Cable Guy joke: "spic, nigger, kike, holocaust never happened... and chink"

Tila Tequila----------------------------------

PROS: fuckable

CONS: Got famous by looking like a whore on a network of 13 year olds and pedophiles, and trying to cash in on her "whore-fame" through reality tv and what is I'm sure unlistenable music. Seems like a complete cocktease. Resembles Gizmo from Gremlins.

This one's way too easy. I can think of few things more hilarious than Larry the Cable Guy getting Dime Bag Darrel'd right before the punch line of one of his jokes. I bet it would get more genuine laughter than whatever he was gonna say anyway. As for Tila Tequila, she will likely have faded into obscurity by the time anybody reads this regardless, so looks like it'll be back to ass-tonguing for music deals for her. That seems like a more fitting end for her.

Vote: Larry the Cable Guy by a fucking mile.

A-Mong:

Larry The Cable Guy

---------------------------------------------------

PROS: Until he dies and well beyond that, the only thing people will think of this guy is that he's white trash. Justice served

CONS: Seriously? Absolutely everything.

• His audience

• His Voice

• His Jokes

• His outfit

• The fact that he made money on it

• The fact that we're held hostage to his shitty one liners

Everything. Larry the Cable Guy is fucking awful.

Tila Tequila

---------------------------------------------------

PROS: It's at least something to look at - and there's nothing behind the curtain so you don't have to feel bad about thinking of her as a meathole and nothing more.

CONS: Hearing people think she's actually somebody. She's Masturbation Fodder and that's it - No one cares what she has to say, what she's interested in, what parties she's going to, who she hangs out with, or even if she were to lose a limb. The second her looks start to fade she is fucking out and there will be 3 more hotter more desperate girls waiting to take her spot.

Winner by unanimous decision and moving on to round 2: Larry the douché

CDT Round 1: (6) Usher vs. (11) Donald Trump

2008-03-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Celebrity Death Tournament rolls on! And we've got a sleek new header for the matchups as shown above, and a new format, as shown by Sir Assmonger's reply to Mr. Rocketdick's initial response. The first few rounds will be condensed into A-Mong's format from here on out.

Onto the experts (Dr. McDouche was unable to attend this discussion. He will return for the next match-up):

BFQ:
Usher-- One side of the battle of fruits trying their hardest to be Michael Jackson. He thinks he's some kind of sex symbol, but actually looks like a weird cross between Webster and Ron Howard. Rose to popularity during the Lil' Jon fad around 2002 where that same stupid synthesizer beat was in every hip hop song on the radio, and he hasn't done much since that train flew off the rails. I think his 15 minutes are just about over, so I really don't have much of a problem with this guy as I did a few years ago. I'm sure that'll change when his next album is released and I see his midget-looking face all over the TV and his awful music all over the radio though.

Donald Trump gets credit for one thing, and one thing only-- telling Rosie O'Donnell that she's a fat pig loudmouth. But aside from that, he's really a piece of garbage who's just desperately clinging to his celebrity from the 80's. We get it, you're rich and you fuck a model. Why is that grounds for you constantly being on my television and building your stupid gold buildings in my city? This pucker-lipped douche is just a holdover from the 1980's yuppie movement who refuses to go away. He's boring, offers nothing to anybody, and if he died his legacy would be that he made some tacky dated-looking buildings that caused him to file for bankruptcy and was in the tabloids for 25 years. Fantastic.

My vote obviously goes to Trump, but once I hear the next Usher single I'll probably be regretting this.

Vote: Donald Trump

Sir A-Mong:

Donald Trump ------------------------

PROS: He has a casino in atlantic city, new jersey; and I thought it was kind of funny that he had a really petty fight with Rosie O'Donnell

CONS: His stupid fucking hair, his fat obnoxious face, anything that comes out of his mouth, The Apprentice, any/all of his TV appearances, his book "Think big and kick ass"

Usher

----------------------------------

PROS: The fact that I haven't heard anything about him lately

CONS: His cocky attitude, the way he plays to the camera, his squared off hairline, every song he's ever sang, "in the mix", his fragrance commercials .... and his fragrance for that matter

This is a real tough one cause I really despise usher and I would be ecstatic if her were to get into a horrible car accident, but I think Donald Trump is the bigger threat right now. He's on TV, I see advertisements for his book all over the place, he is making gaudy apartment buildings in both Manhattan, and Jersey City (the places I live and work) and he's inspiring a whole generation of corporate-douche-Trump-wannabes who think that the only reason no one succeeds is because no one ever thought "big enough". It's not Trumps ideas that make him money, it's his money and the power behind it that makes him money.

Vote: Trump

Winner: Die Trump

Breaking news! Kelly Ripa to expose labia at Shea Stadium

2008-03-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

If you listen to 92.3 K Rock in the mornings (for Opie & Anthony--not for their constant stream of Red Hot Chili Peppers songs), you may have heard Kelly Ripa of "Regis & Kelly" fame obnoxiously promoting Mets tickets by yelling loudly and doing the usual airheaded bimbo whore routine that the soccer moms seem to love so much.

The first 175 times this commercial came on, I either changed the station or just tuned her out, because a raspy-voiced dunce is the last thing I want to hear when I'm driving to work in the morning.

But after finally paying attention to the commercial, I realized that she just promised a vaginal exposé at Shea Stadium at some point this year. See if you can spot where she cleverly slips in this promise as I run down the commercial.

The commercial starts off with her usual chatter, but talking about the Mets and how now that Johan Santana has joined the squad, she'll be going to all the games or something.

Cut to sound clips of some of her "hey batter, no batter" type taunts.

Then makes the announcement that she calls herself the "Blonde Bullhorn". And makes the hilarious joke that she's a natural Blonde Bullhorn.

Follows that statement by saying: "and you'll be able to see that for yourself when you come to Shea Stadium this baseball season"

Did you catch it? Sure, there are more blatant ways of saying "I'm gonna show some lucky fans my tuna snap in all it's glory", but Kelly Ripa is more clever than that. She doesn't mention when it's gonna happen, but I'm guessing she's gonna wait until at least September, while the Mets are in the middle of a heated pennant race with the Phillies, and provide us with some straw-colored ham wallet action to give the Mets that extra bit of fan support they need to take the division.

2008-03-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

We're a little out of it for these few days for various reasons, so for you 3 or 4 readers of ours, enjoy this British article about eating Chinese penis.

The Guo-li-zhuang restaurant, a specialist penis and testicle emporium

We'll be back shortly with the continuation of the CDT (in a sleek new format) and more depravity...

Depression Fridays!

2008-03-16T07:28:00.001-07:00

You may be wondering why there was no update on Friday. Well, frankly the staff at Forced Entry is usually hung over and depressed on Fridays, and our typical conversation usually consists of hating life and the like.

But in the spirit of giving you people constant content, here's a taste of our conversation. I gotta warn you though, you'll probably feel like shit when you're finished with it--

B: I'm here, going off of 3 hours of sleep. I hate fridays...

G: Why did you only get 3 hours of sleep?

B: Because I'm a moron. Went to a bar in the city last night, and I took the wrong train to go home, ended up in Brooklyn, and drunkenly made my way back to my apartment at 3:30 last night.

G:

nice.

Yeah it sucks because when youre drunk, no matter what time it is you always say to yourself "Ill have no problem getting up tomorrow." And its never that easy.

T: yeah, I'm just getting into work now and I'm still drunk. Last night was a lot more rugged than I expected - the worst part is that I'm supposed to do the same thing tonight. I don't know if I can, but I'll force myself.

B: I think this is the longest day in the history of my life... it just won't end.

G: I know man, Fridays suck. Im just annoyed and dont want to be here.

Any ideas to pass time?

B: go to the bathroom and jerk off

oh wait, you mean on the internet?

G:That would kill about 4 minutes, including prep time and clean up.

B: true... I definitely hear you on the annoyance thing though. There's people all over the damn place here and I can't get a second to myself.

I just want to leave and eat dinner. I think I'm also pissed off because I didn't eat lunch today. I had such bad shits this morning from all the beer I drank last night that I can't even risk putting anything in my stomach.

My shit was the kind where you feel like you're gonna have diarrhea, but it comes out all solid and goopy, then it doesn't fully come out of your ass, so you have to wipe the turd out with toilet paper. The most unsatisfying and anger-inducing shit there is.

That's how I started my day, still drunk at 6 AM wiping shit out of my ass.

G: Clay shits huh? Yeah they are the worst.

Ive had like 5 cups of coffee today and still havent shit yet, so I just dont feel right.

B: kind of a clay shit, but just a little bit more liquidy

They just ruin your day. You're forced to wipe your ass until it's raw and painful too

How the hell haven't you shit after drinking 5 cups of coffee? That's insane

G: I dont know dude. Physically I feel ok, but knowing I havent gone yet is fucking me up mentally.

And it doesnt make sense, Ive been eating like a real Ledger lately. Fuckin salad for lunch everyday, no more bagels in the morning Ive been eating cheerios. And I havent touched a potato chip in 5 days. Which may not sound very impressive, but for me thats fucking amazing.

B: This just angered me more: http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=305361&GT1=7703

Whoever auditions for that show should be raped with a power drill

T: yeah, seriously - that is fucking AWFUL.

G: That fucking embarrasses me as a human.

If I was god, that would be it. Id officially end humanity. Humans have peaked, and now its all downhill. Time to move on.

B: Honestly... this just shows we're on our way out as a nation and maybe as a species. Guaranteed that this show will be all over the place. I don't even want people to give it more exposure by making fun of it. It's actually depressing.

G: You want to hear another fucking pathetic story that really makes me feel the same way. This morning on the radio there was a story about a guy who beat his 2 year old daughter to death because she was climbing around and she pulled his Xbox off a shelf and it broke. He was some kind of gamer or something. I cant even think of something to say for that.

[fin]

CDT 2008 Round 1 -- (7) Kid Rock vs. (10) Mary-Kate Olsen

2008-03-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

vs.

The celebrity experts speak their minds....

Dr. Edwin McDouche:

Kid Rock - Whats worse, his music or his greasy homeless appearance.
Its his music. Kid Rock is the type of music you listen to after you and your
friends just polished off a 30-pack of Coors Original, and you've
piled into your '86 Camaro and are now looking for a group of middle
schoolers to fight. And who the hell lets a midget be in their music
video?
That's sick.

Mary-Kate Olsen - I don't even know which twin this is, but I have a
problem with both of them. So far I've seen ZERO naked photos and ZERO
toilet surveillance videos of either. Whores. I hope next time they
share a hotel room, the Lakers are in town, and Kobe finds his way into
their room.

My vote goes to Kid Rock, because if Mary-Kate ever reads this,
voting for her might ruin my chance of fucking her without a condom.

Vote: Kid Rock

Sir Winston Assmonger III:

Kid Rock - What a piece of gay-wad that guy is -- he came to fame in a
time when they let any douche with a bad schtick and next to no
musical talent have a music video -- then they proceeded to market the
shit out of all of them and make millions. Limp Bizkit, Uncle Kracker, Creed, Nickelback - they all fall in this category. It's the
same canned bullshit as acts like N'Sync, Backstreet Boys, and Britney Spears - just marketed to the 16 -24 yr old "angsty" males.
His music sucks balls, his 'bit' with having a midget as his sidekick
was painfully transparent, his marriage to Pamela Anderson was a joke,
and now he's washed up and stuck in a dead late-90s-pseudo-tough-guy-
genre. I really hope he just gets written off in the history books
and forgotten in time.

Fun Fact: I saw some segment on Vh1 and apparently, tough-guy Kid Rock is best friends with nice-guy Uncle Kracker. Supposedly, they
would drive from Detroit to NYC and sing songs together. The thought
of that makes me laugh, about how homo-erotic that must have been --
also, it makes me laugh at the douche consumer who loves Kid Rock and
hates 'posers' who listen to pussy shit like Uncle Kracker. It's the
same garbage.

Mary-Kate Olsen - I'm annoyed by the Olsens, and I really do HATE the
whole Hollywood scene they are wrapped up in - but even so, I don't
really give a shit about them. Mainly because I don't think anyone
will ever truly take them seriously. They are a novelty act that made
a killing in doing so. I mean, If dancing apes had the power to
market themselves, I'm sure they'd be living next door to the Olsens
in their Soho apartments. The formula goes like this. 2 "cute"
babies + 1 wholesome family TV + Greedy parents whoring their
daughters out to the entertainment industry their entire childhood =
Gold!

My vote for this one is Kid Rock. I may actually smile if he were to
die... Whereas if one of the Olsens were to die instead, I'm pretty
sure I was skip over that link on CNN.com to something more interesting.

Vote: Kid Rock

Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick:

Kid Rock-- I'm amazed that this guy is still relevant to anyone nowadays. He started as a rapper with a white-guy eraserhead haircut (basically a white trash version of the high top fade) and was obviously not taken seriously, so he eventually rode the Limp Bizkit "rap-metal" wave that was oh-so-popular in the late-90's, with a country twist-- in essence raping 3 genres of music that all would probably rather not claim him as one of theirs. The meathead/closet case/jockrock contingent love this guy's shitty music, and he continues to somehow keep his name out there even though I couldn't name you one song of his from the past 10 years. Wait, didn't he do a duet with Sheryl Crow or something?

(Fuck that song just went into my head for a second before I ran to the nearest wall and bashed my fucking skull 20 or 30 times to forget it... Ok I'm back)

Oh and the only reason I know who Uncle Kracker is because I thought he was Kid Rock's brother or something. So I hated him by default. Plus I think his only top 40 hit was a cover of a different terrible song that is making me want to run back to that wall.

Mary-Kate Olsen aka "Ol' Bile Mouth" -- A few things about this decaying corpse of a human being. She made most of her riches before she could even remember what she was doing. She was a baby who said a couple lines that any baby could've said and she just happened to have a twin sister to get past those pesky child labor laws, and a crafty PR person who knew just how to tap that tough-to-crack pedophile market without breaking any laws. Congratulations, Mary-Kate, you've cashed in on countless thousands of sweaty shameless fat bald men.

But I've got to give her a few points for the ability to keep the same weight as her Full House years.

My vote goes to Kid Rock and gives him the unanimous win here.

Kid Rock wins unanimously and moves on to the 2nd round

A note to whoever found us by googling "Friendship Peeing"

2008-03-11T17:18:00.001-07:00

You are awesome and are definitely the target demographic we are going for with this here site. This picture is for you.

CDT 2008: Round 1-- (5) Andy Dick vs. (12) Simon Cowell

2008-03-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

vs.

The experts...

Winston Assmonger III:

Simon Cowell - Having only seen the show a few times, I don't have too much direct reference for Simon, but he actually seems like the lesser evil (and way less annoying) than Paula Abdul or that douche "Randy"*. Paula Abdul sucked in the 80's and she sucks even more now. "Randy" seems like he tries to prove that he's actually black and Simon, weather he likes it or not, gets to play the "bad guy". I'm not sure if I actually hate Simon Cowell, or just hate American Idol and everything to do with it. The thing is this - If I was surrounded the company of Ryan Secrest, Paula Abdul, "Randy" Jackson, and a rotating cast of Clay Aikens, I'd be pissed off too. Of course, it lame cause it seems like he really buys into this role given to him.

* 'Randy' appears in quotes cause the whole time because I have a hard time believing that "Randy" is actually black - I knew 2 randy's in my life. One was a Jewish kid from the suburbs, and the other was that annoying cowboy-puppet from Pee-Wee's play house. Maybe Randy Jackson is actually a white guy with some sort of reverse albino effect?

Andy Dick - I really, really, really HATE Andy Dick. He's one of those shitty c-list celebrities that is trying to really carve out a "personality" for himself and is only pulling the wool over a few casting directors eyes. For this we get to see him in countless SHITTY cameos and 1 aweful reality show. He's not funny, he's not "whacky", His stupid blond mop hair makes me want to punch him in the throat, and his voice is one of the more irritating voices in hollywood... short of Gilbert Godfried.

I think the winner of this match up for biggest asshole that deserves to die (and spare us any more agony) is Andy Dick.

Vote: Andy Dick

Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick:

On Simon Cowell, what the fuck has this guy ever done aside from being grumpy on TV and finding "creative" ways to say that people suck? I honestly had no clue, so I went to Wikipedia and found this:

Subsequently, Cowell signed up a number of acts to S-Records that made a mark in the pop music world, including Curiosity Killed the Cat , Sonia Evans , Five , Westlife , Robson & Jerome , and Ultimate Kaos . He also released several novelty recordings featuring the likes of wrestlers of the World Wrestling Federation , Teletubbies , Zig and Zag and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers , that were huge successes.

So, he was an A&R at a British record company, signed a bunch of no-name pop acts, and made novelty WWF and Power Rangers records. And from this he somehow developed this air of superiority, like he's done something worthwhile and actually has credibility in music. Does anyone in the music business really take this guy seriously? Also, any male that's this entrenched in the pop world is a little suspect. I see what you're saying about having to hang around a fat black guy pretending to be down and an old 80's pop star who would probably pimp out her mother's corpse to be considered relevant, along with the biggest vagina on television, and how that would make you bitter, but honestly, he deserves no better than that.

Andy Dick -- This is a whole other animal. First of all, I find it hilarious that Jon Lovitz actually knocked this asshole out. If you can piss off Hanukkah Harry to the point of him throwing fists, you know you're a supreme piece of shit. I actually came into this one wanting to vote for Simon Cowell, because the guy really thinks he's some kind of credible music critic but is in actuality a complete joke. But I've been convinced after hearing your argument. Andy Dick still gets cameos pretty much playing himself in everything he appears in-- himself being a tussled haired faggot who annoys everyone with his obnoxiousness. He's what Paulie Shore would be if Paulie Shore had been molested by a clown as a child.

Andy Dick gets my vote too. Dr. McDouche, your vote can either make this one unanimous or a split decision.

Vote: Andy Dick

Dr. Edwin McDouche:

Simon Cowell - The only appropriate way to start this is to say how much I hate the British. And now we have a lousy Brit telling Americans that they're no good. What the fuck is wrong with that picture? The only thing I respect him for is his severe hatred for fat chicks. Cause if theres one thing Simon Cowell hates more than someone who cant sing, its a fat chick who can't sing. But back to my point, I don't go to England and critique all those ugly Brits, and believe me I could. If you ever feel insecure about your teeth or haircut, spend 20 minutes in London. You'll feel much better.

Andy Dick - He is openly bi-sexual.

Therefore, Andy Dick wins a unanimous decision over Simon Cowell. You don't fuck dudes and then try to get your face on my tv.

Final vote: Andy Dick wins unanimously and moves on to the 2nd round

Celebrity Death Tournament Round 1 - (1) Paris Hilton vs. (16) Paulie Shore

2008-03-10T06:12:00.001-07:00

Our panel of experts discuss and vote on the first match-up of the tournament:

Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick:

These are two completely different types of obnoxiousness.

Paris Hilton is the obvious favorite, since she's despised by pretty much everybody. She continues to be all over the place--tv, magazines, my rape fantasies, music, and even movies. Apparently people still shell out money for this bird-faced twat to have her and her stupid autistic-looking expression in their stuff. I honestly don't see how anyone sees the least bit of attractiveness in this hag. I've expressed this sentiment before, but I would jerk off daily to a porn featuring her acquiring AIDS. And I'd subscribe to the series of videos that follows, where she slowly starts losing hair and teeth and eventually dies from a case of the sniffles being too much for her battered immune system to take.

Paulie Shore on the other hand is mostly known for being "the annoying guy" in everything he's in. MTV--he was "the annoying guy" who talked between videos. Encino Man, "the annoying guy" who hung out with a caveman. Bio-Dome, "the annoying guy" who made one of the other Baldwins actually look talented in comparison to him. Jury Duty, "the annoying guy" who sat in on a court case.

But as annoying as the guy is, at least he knows his place and realizes that he's just a hack comedian who has already peaked and now pretty much wallows in obscurity. Paris Hilton, though-- she actually believes that she's this gifted artist and humanitarian, even though she's most famous for lazily fucking some guy on a shaky night-vision camera. I don't think anyone would be affected in any negative way if Paris Hilton died tomorrow. And that includes her family and friends.

Vote: Paris Hilton

Dr. Edwin McDouche:

Paris Hilton - What is there to say about her that hasn't been said before? I'm sick of seeing her and I still don't know why I see her. Shes not a celebrity. She got famous for being rich and being in a porn. But mostly for being rich. Can you tell me the name of the girl R Kelly pissed on? No, you cant. Now, had this been Michael Eisner's daughter, we'd be watching music videos and reality shows starring this urine soaked whore with a bad upbringing.

Paulie Shore - Fuck. When I think of all the 2 hour segments of my life that this dry cocksucker wasted, it makes me want to cut a bald eagles throat. This is the only comedian Ive ever heard of who told such bad jokes during his stand-up routine, that a guy from the audience actually got up on stage and punched him in the face. At the end of every Paulie Shore movie I have the same facial expression, a combination of "ready to puke face" and that face you make when you have a real bad shit cramp and you know its diarrhea. "In the Army Now" would be the worst movie of all time if it weren't for Heath Ledger blowing another cowboy on the big screen. Some things have a way of working out in the end.

Verdict: In a shocking upset, my vote goes for Paulie Shore. He needs to die and he needs to die soon. If this sack of shit makes another cent in the entertainment business, I may end my own life first.

Vote: Paulie Shore

Sir Winston Assmonger III:

Paris Hilton - Agreed. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said before as to how worthless she is. So, I'll use my rant to point out another glaringly obvious fact. She looks like the Toxic Avenger in a blond wig with that lazy fucking eye of hers... click here for visual evidence.

Paulie Shore - Yeah, he's annoying, yeah his show on fox was fucking painful, and yeah listening to him talk is like fingernails on a chalkboard - BUT, I'm pretty happy about where Paulie Shore is at in pop culture right now. He had his time in the sun but now he's festering at the bottom of the Hollywood chum bucket trying to claw his way out of the F-list along with other painfully annoying celebrities like Kathy Griffin. His only purpose in life now is when spring break rolls around, some executive asshole pulls his number out of the Rolodex and gives him a gig entertaining drunk frat boys with the same bad material he's been using for the past 15 years. Speaking of which, I'm also really happy to know that for the rest of his life (and most likely in his obituary) he will forever hear even less funny no-names repeating his own shitty material back to him thinking they were the first witty person to do so. That alone must be driving his crazy and it really is a gift from Jesus himself.

Deciding Vote: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton advances to the 2nd round

Post-script--

Mr. Rocketdick:

So Paris wins. Thank Christ for that, because I wouldn't want our top vote-getter getting upset in the 1st round.

The Toxic Avenger likeness is uncanny. I never would've realized that.

A little tidbit that may make you hate Paulie Shore a little more, Dr. McDouche. That time when he got punched on stage? He actually staged that so that he could get more publicity. That's the level that asshole sank to for some type of coverage.

Dr. McDouche:

He fucking staged that? When I first saw that video I said to myself "Its about fucking time"

I cant believe that. That really pisses me off.

Bracket 4 of 4

2008-03-06T21:01:00.001-08:00

The final 16 competitors in the 2008 Celebrity Death Tournament. Click the picture to see a larger version.

Bracket 3 of 4

2008-03-06T20:57:00.001-08:00

The 3rd group of 16. Once again, click above to see the competitors...

Bracket 2 of 4

2008-03-06T20:53:00.001-08:00

More match-ups... click above to see them enlarged.

Bracket 1 of 4

2008-03-06T20:45:00.001-08:00

The brackets are set!

This is the first of four brackets.

Click the picture above to enlarge it and see the first round match-ups.

2008 Celebrity Death Tournament: Play-In Game-- Anna Nicole Smith's Baby vs. The Narrator From The Lexus Commercials

2008-03-06T13:43:00.000-08:00

vs.

This "play-in" match-up will determine who gets to be the fourth and final 16 seed in the big tournament.

We turn it over to the experts--

Dr. Edwin McDouche:

This is an interesting matchup

Lexus Guy - I dont like the way he talks. When I see those commercials I feel like hes talking down to me, and its made me feel uncomfortable when Im around Lexus cars. I feel bad for his family because I couldnt imagine waking up to that voice telling me Im late for school. And Im 98% sure his first name is Jeeves.

Anna Nicole Smiths baby - This is just a disaster waiting to happen. What potential does this thing have? Maybe she'll grow up to be just like mom. If we're lucky she'll grow up to be like her older brother. Shes probably already sexually active.

My vote goes for Lexus Guy to advance. He sucks and Ill never set foot in a Lexus as long as I live. Anna Nicole's baby will probably be HIV positive before her 6th birthday so we wont have to worry about her for long.

Vote goes to: Lexus Narrator

Sir Winston Assmonger III:

Lexus Guy - I agree with your point on the lexus guy - BUT that is what the copywriters and marketers are aiming for. He's just a D-bag-middle-man to convey the message/brand/lifestyle of what a lexus owner should be like. You might see him advertising for Depends® Adult Dipers next week.

Which makes me think that: Anna Nicole Smiths baby is the greater threat here. For the Next 20 something years, we're gonna have to hear about the "fascinating" life of this kid growing up. Based solely on that fact that as an infant she inherited a fortune. It's like the next Paris Hilton in the making. An heiress with no talent but living the high life. PUKE

Vote goes to: Anna Nicole Smith's Baby

Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick:

Definitely an interesting match-up here-- I agree that the Smith baby has already gotten more press time and likely has more money in her short lifetime than I ever will, and her whine is more than likely only slightly less annoying than her mother's after a meth binge, but at the end of the day I feel like she'll be just as obscure as Kurt Cobain's kid, who I know nothing about and hope it remains that way.

The Lexus Guy on the other hand is a complete douche for a few reasons. 1- His voice is that mix of smarminess and "rich guy charm" that makes one want to drive a phillipshead directly into his chode, and 2- it reminds me of those awful Christmas commercials, where the husband tricks his wife into thinking he didn't get her anything "special" then surprises her with a new Lexus with a big bow on it, and the spoiled whore gives a little nod like she was expecting it all along.

So my deciding vote goes for the Lexus guy to enter the tournament of 64. And I hope each match-up's conversation is as cathartic as this one was.

Deciding vote goes to: Lexus Narrator

The Lexus Narrator moves on to the field of 64.

Forced Entry Presents: The 2008 Celebrity Death Tournament

2008-03-06T11:05:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of March Madness, we here at Forced Entry want to say that we love a good tournament. The NCAA's take up an unhealthy amount of our time in March, and the movie Blood Sport would've been nothing if it weren't for the build-up of Frank Dukes and Chong Li going through the ranks of various fighters before finally meeting up in the finals.

And the only thing we love more than a good tournament is the idea of an obnoxious, omnipresent celebrity dying for our amusement. I mean, if it creates a few more tasteless jokes to get a couple chuckles out of us, then keep up the good work celebs! (and by "good work" we mean constant drug abuse and drunk driving)

So it's with our love of these two things that we'd like to present to you the 2008 Celebrity Death Tournament.

Here's how it works:

We've selected 65 celebrities whose death is well-deserved and hopefully forthcoming. The process of paring down this list to 65 was long and arduous, but in the end we think we've got the right mix of spoiled whores, self-important douchebags, obnoxious D-listers, and a random smattering of other types of celebrities that would leave this world a better place if they would just go ahead and choke to death on something--preferably on camera.

We have put these celebrities in an NCAA-style tournament bracket, and we will post a few "who deserves to die more" head-to-head match-ups each day until we have a champion and the prestigious title-holder of Most Deserving of Death in 2008.

The make these difficult decisions, we are excited to tell you that we've enlisted the celebrity expertise of the following gentlemen, who will have the final say in each exciting match-up. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our judges Dr. Edwin McDouche, Mr. Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick, and Sir Winston Assmonger III.

We'll start it all off today with a "play-in game" between our two most obscure celebrities, to see who will make the final field of 64. Once we have our final field set, we will present to you the brackets and have our prestigious experts vote and explain to you who will be moving on to the next round.

We hope you enjoy reading this undertaking as much as we do.

Your Pals,
-Forced Entry

Onto the play in game! Our announced match-up for the 64th and final spot in the 2008 Celebrity Death Tournament is:

Anna Nicole Smith's Baby vs. The Narrator from the Lexus Commercials

Stay tuned for the verdict.

Men at Work

2008-03-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

In order to alienate every new reader that has jumped onto this site over the past week or two (a pretty significant jump from zero to probably like 5), we need to ask you to hold tight for a day or so as we work out the details of something we're working on.

So bear with us, new readers-- we are planning something quite sizable that should entertain you for the month of March.

(That was weird, that was almost the exact same sentence I used when I got my first restraining order)

Messing with Frigid Amy

2008-02-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

FrigidAmy12 (not her actual screen name--if this is your screen name, we apologize and for the sake of your own popularity suggest you change it to something like HumanPopsickleAmy12) is a stuck-up whiny rich girl we knew back in high school who played up the melodrama any time you spoke to her, whether in real life or online.

We figured her dream guy would be someone just as whiny and melodramatic. So we came up with depressedkid9999 and tried to see if she would take a liking to him... Please note that many of the lines we use were actual quotes she has said to us, but she never really seemed to catch onto that one. Here's the transcript:

>depressedkid9999: hey
>frigidamy12: who is this?
>depressedkid9999: just a lonely boy
>frigidamy12: do i know u?
>depressedkid9999: a lonely soul
>depressedkid9999: no. i did a search for jersey
>frigidamy12: oooh
>frigidamy12: :-)
>depressedkid9999: :-(
>frigidamy12: why so sad?
>depressedkid9999: i cant find a true love
>frigidamy12: hah
>frigidamy12: can anyone?
>depressedkid9999: why, can you relate?
>frigidamy12: i suppose you could say that
>depressedkid9999: what happened with you
>frigidamy12: i could write a novel
>frigidamy12: too many different things
>depressedkid9999: really?
>frigidamy12: yeh
>depressedkid9999: tell me about them
>frigidamy12: does it really matter?
>frigidamy12: i wouldnt even know where to start anyways
>depressedkid9999: yeah, i guess not :-[
>frigidamy12: are you sure i don't know you?
>depressedkid9999: yeah. im sure.
>depressedkid9999: moved from allentown.
>frigidamy12: what's your name?
>depressedkid9999: Shawn
>frigidamy12: i'm amy
>depressedkid9999: hi amy
>depressedkid9999: whats your name
>frigidamy12: how old are you?
>depressedkid9999: 18 and a half
>depressedkid9999: you
>frigidamy12: 19
>frigidamy12: and a half
>frigidamy12: lol
>depressedkid9999: are you making fun of me!!1
>depressedkid9999: :'(
>frigidamy12: teasing, maybe. making fun, no.
>frigidamy12: i think you know me and you're just not telling me
>depressedkid9999: oh. okay. sorry if i say weird stuff.
>frigidamy12: i bet this is josh
>depressedkid9999: no, its shawn
>depressedkid9999: remember
>depressedkid9999: i like your icon
>frigidamy12: hello, its not that difficult to make up a name
>frigidamy12: thanks
>depressedkid9999: you're welcome
>depressedkid9999: there was this girl... ill always think of her as
>the one that got away
>frigidamy12: before you go any further....
>frigidamy12: i know you didn't find me on aol search....
>depressedkid9999: why
>frigidamy12: because i'm not in the directory.
>depressedkid9999: ok it is josh
>frigidamy12: i didn't file myself so that people could search for me
>frigidamy12: HAH
>frigidamy12: i rule
>frigidamy12: do you have ANYTHING better to do with your time
>frigidamy12: i mean seriously
>depressedkid9999: ok im gonna go masturbate
>frigidamy12: ok you do that
>frigidamy12: and have fun
>depressedkid9999: love you
>frigidamy12: hah
>depressedkid9999: no i do
>frigidamy12: ditto
>depressedkid9999: good
>depressedkid9999: say it
>depressedkid9999: SAY IT
>frigidamy12: why
>depressedkid9999: !!!!!
>depressedkid9999: I SAID SAY IT
>frigidamy12: why
>frigidamy12: why
>frigidamy12: WHY
>depressedkid9999: nevermind, do you have any porn
>frigidamy12: nah sorry
>depressedkid9999: or know good websites
>frigidamy12: i love u
>frigidamy12: hahaha
>frigidamy12: nope
>depressedkid9999: too late
>frigidamy12: eh
>frigidamy12: catre
>frigidamy12: *care
>frigidamy12: im goin back to bed
>frigidamy12: my head hurts
>depressedkid9999: ok, you should masturbate too
>depressedkid9999: it helps my headaches
>frigidamy12: ill just take advil, thanks
>frigidamy12: gnight
>depressedkid9999: oh, with vodka?
>depressedkid9999: night, i'll think of you while i'm nutting
>
>Auto response from frigidamy12: "you know that place between sleep
>and awake, that place where you can still remember dreaming? that's
>where i'll always love you...that's where i'll be waiting."

We especially like the away message she posted up after she had left. That was nice of her to say to us.

Poorly Drawn Comics!

2008-02-27T15:35:00.001-08:00

The G.L.O.A.T.: Part 1

They may be poorly-drawn, but these comics are all based on true life events. This is the first of many G.L.O.A.T. posts, as this kid is a source of a lot of stories. Usually about him lying or stinking.

Why ex-girlfriends are zombie pets

2008-02-21T19:28:00.000-08:00

Think back to when you were around 8 years old, and you saw a puppy in the store that you were dying to take home. Or when your parents came home with a kitten that you’d play around with, or a goldfish you won.

Regardless what it was, when you finally got that pet home, you took care of it, you fed it, maybe you walked it, or pretended to pick up its shit off the neighbor’s yard but actually just reached down and grabbed some grass next to that steaming coil so your neighbor didn’t bitch at you.

Point is, you bonded with the stupid thing, and you felt like you had a friend even though it likely saw you as not much more than the kid who occasionally gave it food and yelled at it for trying to fuck your leg.

Fast forward 5 to 10 years and you’ve taken that pet for granted and have moved on to bigger and better things, like tits.

So you see a chick at school and you want to take her home. Or your friend comes over your house with a few that you want to play around with, or you got partnered up with one for some school assignment or some shit. I don’t know the exact details, high school was a long time ago and it’s tough to remember much from that era aside from the untimely school bus erections and all-night masturbation marathons.

Anyways, the pattern kind of played out the same way. You found a girl you like and that you somehow fooled into thinking you were worth spending time with, and you felt some kind of bond, even though she likely saw you as not much more than the kid who occasionally gave her food and awkwardly tried to convince her to do something like what the dog used to freely volunteer. High school girls can really learn a lot from dogs in heat.

Here’s where it gets shitty, though. Pets eventually die, and relationships eventually end.

But first you have to go through that awkward period where you don’t really see the signs, but the shit is inevitable. You drag the stupid dog outside to run around when all it wants to do is lay down and fucking sleep in a puddle of its own warm piss. Or you neglect to acknowledge the 35 times you fought with this girl last week because you had a good couple of hours of silence with her today.

But the inevitable happens, the dog dies, the girl leaves, and you’re stuck going through the other grief stages, whatever they are.

You’re sad for a while, and finally you accept the fact that things aren’t going back to the way they were and you put all that behind you. You accept the way shit went down, maybe reminisce here and there, but for the most part you move on with your life.

But here’s the key difference in this analogy: occasionally, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you run into your exes here and there. On the other hand, when pets die, they have the common courtesy to STAY FUCKING DEAD.

You tend to try to remember the better times in both cases and attach some level of significance to them—maybe so that you don’t feel like hanging out with them was a complete waste of your time—but for the most part, you try to attach less and less significance to your life and hope that the memory of them eventually gives way to new life experiences.

The problem with this is, these girls still exist and even might pop up from time to time. And experiencing this can only be equated with seeing your long dead dog, unearthed, zombified, frothing at the mouth, and looking to bite your dick off.

Here’s what runs through your head after the initial moment of sheer terror

First is shock: Holy shit, what the fuck is that thing doing here?

Then, immediate flight kicks in: HOLY SHIT, turn around and go the fuck in the other direction

Maybe a second of pride: Fuck that. I don’t need to run away from anything. I’m not hiding from anybody

Then, immediate regret: You stupid asshole. Now you’re at the point of no return and it’ll notice you if you try to leave. Ok, don’t make eye contact, and pray to god that it just goes away on its own

First contact: Fuck, it saw me. Now what do I do? I can’t show fear or it’ll attack. I really want to keep my dick. Shit, I better acknowledge it.

Maybe even a half second of wistfulness: Wow, it actually looks a lot healthier in zombie form than in it did in its final days with me. It kinda looks like when I first took it home. I wonder if it’s living with anyone else and if they know that this thing is an unholy fucking zombie monster?

And back to terror: Goddammit I really want to get out of here.

It makes its initial move: Why is it inviting me over to pet it? Fuck that, it’s trying to dupe me. No way I’m trusting this fucking thing’s intentions.

So you engage it for just enough time to figure out a way to get the hell out of there without invoking its wrath. This is much harder than it sounds.

In the end, regardless of how everything went down, you realize that you’re not dealing with the same dog you once knew and loved, and that this thing is another animal altogether and that you ought to be a lot more careful in crossing its path from now on. And you regroup and thank Christ that you got out of there with your dick still in fine working order.

The definitive definition of a sport

2008-02-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

We here at Forced Entry are sports fans. As such, we've had the conversations that every sports fan has at one time or another when someone puts on a baseball game/golf match/NASCAR race and someone else brings up the obligatory, "That's not even really a sport", at which point an argument ensues and someone's dick size gets insulted.

I lived with a bunch of college athletes for a year and they all agreed that their sport was the only true sport. Their sport? They rowed a fucking boat. Now, that's all well and good if you acknowledge it for what it is, but they all believed that only boat-rowing (I refuse to call it anything else), track, and cycling were true sports because of the toll it takes on your body. Here were some gems from the conversation:

"Football players take too many breaks"

"Baseball players are out of shape"

"Soccer (fucking soccer!) players aren't in as good of shape as cyclists"

I think I called them gay so many times in this conversation that the word started to lose all meaning.

This article should end all that crazy talk from here on out. I'm about to outline the definitive criteria and draw those lines nice and thick. What's in is in, and what's out is out. No arguments necessary after this.

Rule #1: There must be some form of competition between two or more people.

Without another human to play against, it's only a hobby or an activity to pass the time. In order for said activity to be considered a sport, there must be a minimum of two people involved. Basically, this rule states that training for a sport is not a sport itself. Until there is another human(s) to potentially lose to, it is only exercise.

So, running a 10-K or rowing a boat isn't a sport unless you're racing somebody else.

Ruled out as a sport: Bungee Jumping, casual Skateboarding/Biking, Parkour, Aerobics, Masturbation

Still in: Competitive golf, Skateboard/Bike racing, Ookie Cookie

Rule #2: There must be some physical aspect to the sport, and it must be primarily carried out by the human body.

I attempted to word this one carefully, and I will give my interpretation of it. First of all, it's not a sport without an athletic component to it. The human body has to expend some form of energy in some capacity, otherwise you're just playing a game. Further, the human body's energy has to be the primary form of energy, meaning it can't be eclipsed by that of an animal, or a machine. Unfortunately, this rule may piss off a lot of southern and midwestern sports fans, as it rules out the number one spectator "sport" in America, NASCAR. But rules are rules, and the automobile expends the primary form of energy, and not the driver.

I'm not taking anything away from NASCAR drivers, but...okay, yes I am. You drive in a fucking circle for 5 hours. How this is popular I have no idea.

Also, sorry degenerate gamblers, when you gamble on Horse Racing the horse steals the thunder from the jockeys, and it loses credibility as a sport for that reason. You're one step away from betting on dog shows.

Ruled out as a sport: Auto Racing, Horse Racing, Poker, Chess, Madden Football, Battleship

Still in: Polo (The one with the horse and the mallet-- the energy shared by the rich fuck rider seems about 50/50 with the horse). Ask Christopher Reeves if Polo is a sport-- he won't answer you though, because he's dead.

Rule #3: There must be some way to definitively win over the competition, without the exclusive reliance on a judge. (AKA the "substance over style" rule)

Notice that I didn't say that every competition with a judge is ruled out. The key here is that the contest could conceivably be played out without such a judgment. Because cheerleading and figure skating rely exclusively on a judge to score the competition, they fail to meet this criterion. On the other hand, in the case of boxing and mixed martial arts, a judge is implemented, but the fighters can win a match at any time by knocking out or submitting their opponent. There's gotta be some objective measure to take that power out of the judges' hands and definitively win the contest, whether it's a timeclock, a scoreboard, or something along those lines.

Basically, if whether you win or lose comes down to some French guy with blonde frosted tips, you're not playing a sport.

Ruled out as a sport: Cheerleading, Figure Skating, Floor Show, most Gymnastics, Halfpipe, Dancing (sorry Emmitt)

Still in: Skating/Snowboarding for time, Speed Skating, Boxing/MMA

Rule #4: The amount of physical energy exerted must be enough so that some minimum form of physical training would be necessary to remain at a premier level (the "barstool sport" rule).

This is the rule that knocks out the bar games and the "old man" games, much to the displeasure of old folks, heavy drinkers, and old heavy drinkers. Because of the demographic this rule pisses off, this is likely the most heavily contested one. There's gotta be some general incentive to keep your body in shape for the sport. If that incentive is gone, the activity fails to be a sport.

Ruled out as a sport: Darts, Pool, Horseshoes, Bocce Ball, Shuffleboard, Foosball

Still in: Table Tennis (you try playing against the Chinese all out of shape)

So that's it. With these four golden rules, there's a solid line between sports and mere activities or hobbies. Tell Webster and his twink Miriam to shove their definition up their asses. Ditto my old roommates.

Catching up with an old friend

2008-02-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

I got bored so I emailed this girl who I went to school with just to bullshit with her. And it started as a casual conversation, but I forgot what a boring person she is and how every conversation always comes back to this Marc character. So, to pass the time I tried to see how many Steven Seagal movie titles I could fit into my replies. (total: 7)

She hasn't gotten back to me since, so I guess she caught on.

My responses are in bold, and all Seagal movies are in italics.

Whats up Beth?

Wow How the shit are you? I'm doing ok. So what have you been up to?

Not a whole lot, working and doing my thing. Whats up with you?

Working, saving up for my vacation to St. Pete Beach, and to have my tattoo finished.

What tattoo did you get?

well since I last saw you I got two. I have the grateful dead sun on the lower right side of my back, and my sign of the zodiac between my shoulder blades (that's the work in progress)

That's cool. I want to get my left shoulder done, but the whole money thing is standing in my way.

So what made you E-mail me?

I went to send an email before and when I typed the letter J all the email contacts who start with a J come up and I saw your name.

isn't that a great feature.

It is. Especially for lazy people like me.

I hear that. Yo can you believe that Marc is still dating that Hoe? yeah I think they live together or something.

Whos the hoe?

That chick he was dating in school, Beth (not me, don't be retarded). She hates me and I don't care.

Thanks for clearing that up, I thought you were talking in 3rd person for a second.

shut up, ass

Sounds like you're a little under siege.

Any who, You should come down for a visit sometime. We'll hang out and get drunk it's a good time. Have you talked to Steve or Marc lately?

No I haven't talked to him in a while. I think hes above the law.

Marc? He's above nothing. Put this way, him and I are friends but I have almost no respect for him.

Wow it sounds like hes on deadly ground. Why did you come to that executive decision?

Well, Long story short. I liked him a long time ago, and he told me that Beth and him had broken up. so we were What ever for a short time. Then I come to find out that is not only still with Beth but cheating on her with someone else too. And when I tried to confront him with the hole thing, he never returned my calls.

He was cheating with another girl too? Id be out for justice if I were you. Have you talked to him since?

yeah because the one night he had the balls to show up at omalleys (my hang out). He had just walked in the door when I pushed back out of it. I yelled a bit he had no explanation. I'm over it.

Yeah you just have to let your exit wounds, you know? Im sure he knows hes marked for death.

Fat Chick Bumper Stickers

2008-02-06T12:06:00.001-08:00

It's common knowledge that fat chicks have lame bumper stickers on their cars. Here's a few we've come across:

“Dance like no ones watching – laugh like you’ve never laughed before”

“Visualize Whirled Peas”

“My other car is a broomstick”

"Wild girls don't get the blues"

“There’s just more of me to love”

“BBW’s do it better”

"My other car is a flatbed"

"I don’t have a good relationship with my father"

"All it takes is one compliment, and you can do anything to me"

"I have a good personality, so ignore my cottage-cheese ass"

"I'll fuck anyone for 5 minutes of attention"

"I'm gonna die alone"

“I’m beautiful on the inside”

"I’m still hungry"

"If you can read this, you're probably on your way to McDonald's"

"Mean people suck, and so does my metabolism"

"[picture of Calvin pissing on broccoli]"

"Will brake for triple-bypass surgery"

"Honk if you love muffin tops"

"Eating helps me forget about the day my dad forced himself on me"

Why Men Cheat

2008-02-06T10:55:00.000-08:00

I saw this article on my MSN home page called "Why men cheat" and I decided to read it. And I thought it might have some kind of tips or suggestions to make you not as horny when you're in a relationship, cause we all know how that is. And honestly I would like to not be as horny as I am. Not only is this article completely useless, but its written in such a faggoty way that Im really irritated now. My comments are in italics.

There's a saying that goes, "Show me the most beautiful girl in the world, and I'll show you a guy who's tired of sleeping with her." (No there isn't. It goes "…Ill show you a guy whos tired of fucking her." Use the right saying or don't use it. If you put your own words in it, its not a saying anymore. Ex "Poop happens" is not a saying)

Rather crass, I think, but true. Not just for men, but for women too. And it's not just that we tire of each other, we keep getting interested in the other items on the menu. (Everythings got to be a fuckin analogy these days.)

Because let's face it, marriage is an unnatural state. No offense to my amazing wife, who I will never, ever cheat on, (What a fuckin anus this guy is. If your never gonna cheat why the fuck are you writing an article about why men cheat? Its like a guy writing an article called "How to quit smoking" and hes never smoked before. And hes afraid that his fat wife is gonna read this and yell at him. Notice he added "My amazing wife" cause hes such a great family man. I hope the day he submitted this article he found out that one of their kids isn't his.) but the notion of staying intimate with one person for the rest of your life is akin to, say, being able to eat one kind of sandwich for the rest of your life. Imagine that? Tell me you wouldn't be leaning over the counter, looking at the day's special, wondering, "Wouldn't it be great if I could try that smoked turkey on rye?" (Hes used so many god damn analogies that you cant even follow it. And the fact that he keeps comparing women to food tells me his wife really is a fat pig)

Marriage is a sacrifice. It's a commitment people make to each other that says, "I got your back for all time. It's you and no one else forever. Oh, and please pay the cable bill." (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man does it really say that in the wedding vows? It's a good thing this guys really funny or else this article would have sucked)

But I think most men -- including most of the guys in Hollywood -- stick to this commitment. And the ones who don't? They're just too hungry, and the sandwich they've got at home isn't hitting the spot the way it should. (Of course. God, his wife is probably so fuckin fat) If you add to this equation being rich, impossibly good looking (What the hell is impossibly good looking) and the owner of an ego inflated by the likes of Jennifer Aniston and Sienna Miller, then, well, the odds that you'll cheat are probably a little higher. Either that, or Jude Law and Brad Pitt are a couple of depraved sex addicts. (What does this have to do with celebrities? Why are they even mentioned? The fact that this twat probably made money off this makes me want to murder his entire family in front of him.)

In conclusion, this dogshit article offered absolutely nothing to anyone who read it. There was no advice or facts or anything you can even take from it. He basically told us that people cheat because they get tired of being with the same person. That's really ground breaking news. He probably wrote this article cause hes tired of watching his fat wife sit on the couch and stink all day. And he thinks hes a good person cause he hasn't cheated on her yet. Fuck this guy and fuck every relative he has. I hope he gets impaled.

FWD;FWD;FWD;FWD;FWD;

2008-02-06T10:54:00.001-08:00

OMG I just received teh FUNNIEST email from my bff. It's a fwd, but its not ur typical fwd. This one has ATTITOOD!

I srsly LOLd for like 5 minits wen I got this won

First of all, check out how it grabs your attention with the HUGE BRIGHT RED FONT. Damn, I'm intrigued already, and I didn't even stop to read the headline yet. What's that say?

None of that Sissy Crap

Ohhhhh shyt. NONE OF THAT SISSY CRAP. If it's one thing I hate about email forwards, it's that it's too sissy. I especially like that they didn't get too offensive by saying a relevant word people have used after 1957, like "pussy", that mighta got me fired from my job!!! but still showed off that ATTITOOD!

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

YES! I am always tired of that! I mean, I do like that they acknowledge that those poems sound good, because nobody can deny that, even this ATTITOOD-laden anti-FWD, but after reading them, I always feel that they're just not REAL enough. I want something that comes close to REALITY.

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

Ya see, this is exactly what I need to start my day. I always wonder what this person I barely speak to and dont much care for really thinks of our cherished friendship through an email that somebody else wrote. Now I can finally know the truth, and I'm holding this mild acquaintance to these promises next time I see him or her at the next general social gathering we happen to both be attending.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

Thank god for no cutesy little smiley faces. They're so CUTESY! And LITTLE! I'm too grown up for that. (I'm a little confused about when I'm gonna receive this card that they mention, but I'm sure its on its way). But the best part is that this email doesn't hold back. It's about to expose the STONE COLD TRUTH. My balls are starting to fill up a bit with anticipation.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.

Wow, right out the gate, we've got two promises in one! Not only will my good friend help me get drunk (which is really helpful because I haven't figured out how to do it without help yet), but my good friend is gonna plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made me sad. Wow, this really is a great friend. Not only did he or she know that it was The sorry bastard who made me sad without me saying-- I mean how did he or she know that nothing else but The sorry bastard is responsible for my emotional state at any time? Only a truly great friend knows this-- but plotting revenge with me? I hope he or she isn't easily offended, because there's gonna be some prank calls and some strongly worded notes in The sorry bastard's future. Watch out, The sorry bastard! Damn, this really is close to reality.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

HAHAHA, now this one's just silly. No cutesy smiley faces, no sissy crap. Nope, watch out, we've got literal takes on figurative speech! ATTITOOD!!!

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

Can this person read me or what? And I love that he or she wants to be involved in watching retard porn and shooting a load all over my keyboard tonight.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

Ohh shit, I was waiting for a nice consoling statement like in those "sissy poems" that sound nice but aren't about reality. Instead I'm gonna get RAGGED on. How did this person know how much I HATE getting period blood on my face? Because this person is a REAL and a TRUE FRIEND, that's how.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

I love this one. And I know this person means business because he or she capitalized the "W" in Worse. This is tough love, and only a TRUE FRIEND like him or her can be REAL enough to show it to me.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

Baaaah! It's ridiculous how much this person really, truly knows me. Only a TRUE FRIEND will point out how fucking vapid I am and rub it in my face like that. I love that my TRUE FRIEND is a condescending asshole.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.

You got me there! This is just too REAL! What a TRUE goddamn cocksucking nunraping dogshiteating FRIEND you are! Unnecessary capitalization of "Again" also shows just how REAL this person is. Proper grammar? Fuck that, that's for "sissies".

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Ya know, if this were anyone else sending me this, I'd probably be pissed off at the fact that the same joke was used 8 different times (make it seem you're gonna console me in my moment of weakness, then BOI-OI-OING, turn it around and rub it in my face!). I might even think my time was wasted by reading this. But since this is my TRUE FRIEND, I know it's just REALITY. This email is so fucking REAL that just reading this has caused pure liquid REALITY to spill out of my fucking pisshole.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing in your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Wow, this was so fucking worth reading to the end there. If I had given up by same joke number 6, I would've missed (1) that rhyming oath at the end (2) BOLD GREEN TEXT and (3) the BEST FUCKING METAPHOR I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE ABOUT FRIENDSHIP! PEEING YOUR PANTS!

LOL

LMAO

RLFOR

Please keep sending me these FWDs.

According to Jim

2008-02-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

Since the writers are on strike and networks are scrambling for anything new to air, we here at Forced Entry are offering our scripts for free.

Here's our episode of the hit ABC show, "According to Jim":

[scene 1 – In the living room]

wife: Jim lets go its time to go to church.
Jim: (burp) no
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: but honey, our son is making his confirmation today
Jim: who cares I wanna watch the bears game
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: but jim u know how important this is to our son
Jim: I’m gonna go drink beer and fart im my truck
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: oh Jim
Jim: my brothers dead
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[scene 2 – In bed together]

Jim: "HEY HONEY, ALL THIS PORK I ATE IS MAKING MY ASS CRACK SWEAT!" (laughter)

Wife: "Jim, you shouldn't have eaten that whole plate, the kids have no dinner now!" (laughter)

Jim: "OH WELL, F*CK 'EM, THEY CAN GO OUT AND KILL ANIMALS LIKE REAL MEN!" (roaring laughter)

Wife: "But Jim, they're only small children, and one of them is a girl anyways"

Jim: *farts for 20 straight seconds*

[scene 3 – the wives talking to each other]

"My husband is a fat pig" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

"My husband drinks beer and watches football" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"My husband beats me and finger fucked our 13 year old daughter" (pause)....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[scene 4 – in the living room]

wife: "Jim, you have to go take out the garbage"
Jim: "NO WAY! IT'S THE 4TH QUARTER OF THE BEARS GAME!" (audience laughter)

Jim: "WHAT ARE YOU COOKING FOR DINNER TONIGHT? IT BETTER HAVE SOME RED MEAT IN IT!" (audience laughter)
hot wife: "Actually, I made a salad with grilled chicken in it"
Jim: "WHAT? SAL-AD? I NEVER HEARD THAT WORD BEFORE!" (roaring laughter)

[end scene – in the living room]

hot wife: Jim, I got tickets to the opera tonight
Jim: (FARTS LOUDLY) (audience laughs for 5 straight minutes and gives a standing ovation)

[roll credits]

What happened to Pre-Game shows?

2008-02-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

What happened to Pre-Game shows? I feel stupid when I turn them on because I always expect to hear about football. Whats this? Oh its Frank Caliendo dressed up as a clown taking a cows rectal temperature.

Your NFL Analyst at work

Well this is one of his better skits, lets check out the CBS pre-game. Its 31 people sitting at a desk telling me nothing about football that I dont already know. "Hi Im James Brown. Joining me as always is Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe, Bill Cower, Boomer Esiason, John Lithegow, Gary Glitter, Bobcat, a statue of Jim Varney, the bulemic Olsen twin, and John Wayne Gacy's step-brother. Todays topic: The Patriots are a good team." That beats last weeks topic: 'Peyton Manning is good at Football.'

Well theres just enough time to check out the ESPN pre-game and watch Chris Berman backpeddle out of some racist remarks again. "Of course Pacman Jones got arrested hes a n.....not...nice...guy." "I think we all expected Tom Jackson to be last with predictions this year. For gods sake hes bl.....blind when it comes to making picks." "As the saying goes 'White is right....next to black when it comes to equality."

Pre-Game is officially dead. The only one who can rescue us now is our savior, Pat Summerall. Until then, I watch movies till 1:00.

Mike Tyson… A True Champion

2008-02-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

When most people hear the name Mike Tyson, negative thoughts come to mind. Don’t ask me how this happened, but sadly enough, it’s the truth. How could a man who has provided nothing but entertainment and hilarity for 22 years possibly be described as anything but “Great”? Apparently, raping one girl overrides 24 first round knockouts. Just doesn’t seem fair to me.

First of all, rape is an overrated crime. Secondly, when you have 218 lbs of solid muscle and rage standing in front of you with a tent building in the front of his pants, saying “No Mike, this isn’t happening” probably isn’t a very good idea. Its best to treat it like a bear attack. Just play dead and he’ll leave when hes done. And how bad of a lawyer did this guy have? I could have walked into the court room with a Mike Tysons Greateset Hits DVD and a heavy bag, and had his sentence reduced to 10 hours of community service. Hopefully that cleared up who the real victim was.

Another crime that Tyson got the short end of the stick on; in 1998 Mike punched a senior citizen in the face after a car accident. Let me explain the rule on car accidents. When you’re involved in an accident, and you get out of your car and you’re standing face to face with a pissed off animal who has a tattoo on his face, its your fault. You don’t approach a guy who knocks out 250 lb men with one punch and demand to see his insurance information. You just sit in the car, lock the doors, and face forward until the police come. And when he punches one of your windows out, that’s also your fault. It’s a lot easier to watch your insurance rates go up, than to watch your food get processed up enough so it fits through a straw.

Now that I feel I’ve made it clear that Mike Tyson is not a criminal, but a “wrong place, wrong time” kind of guy, I need to right some wrongs in his boxing career. First, he’s not 0-2 against Evander Holyfield, he’s 1-1. When a fighter leaves the ring with less body parts than he entered with, that’s a loss. And everyone praised Evander when he wanted a second fight with Tyson. I didn’t. Holyfield only did it because hes a one-trick pony. He needs boxing to entertain. Mike doesn’t, he just needs to wake up in a bad mood and cool stuff is bound to happen. Next, tell that overrated British clown Lennox Lewis to quit celebrating his false victory over Tyson. Mike took a dive, and judging by how fast Lewis retired after that, he knew it too. He was 30 million in debt and he did what only real men do, sacrificed his pride and dignity for cash. If only there were more Mike Tysons in this world…

Now Mike’s last conviction is a little different. Its tough to find a way to defend a guy who has cocaine on him when he gets pulled over. I was a little disappointed he didn’t give the typical 13 year old excuse “Im holding it for a friend”, so hopefully he’s saving that one for next time. But I do have one problem with that whole situation. If you’re a police officer, and you just pulled over a heavyweight boxer who has the mental state of an abused pitbull and now you find out he does coke too, how can the words “Reality Show” not come to mind? Way to drop the ball on that one officer. What show could ever compete with that? A bunch of faggoty emotional teenagers staying in a big house for a couple weeks? A few rich twats who live by the beach and do nothing but go around shopping and menstruating all day? True Life: I want to be a child molester? A show about Ozzy Osbourne’s stupid pathetic family? You could televise this show the same time as the Super Bowl and the NFL would reschedule. You can almost hear the people at work standing by the water cooler talking about it:

Jeff: “Did you see the new episode of Coked-UP Champion last night?”

Bob: “Yeah. I can’t believe he shattered that old ladies spine because she tried to bring 11 items in the express lane at the supermarket.”

Jeff: “Yeah the preview for next weeks episode looks good too. He eats a live kitten and then kicks the pet store managers ass.”

And it wouldn’t even really cost that much to produce. You wouldn’t need a mansion, just set him up in a 1 bedroom apartment in a nice neighborhood. One cabinet full of alcohol and a kiddie pool full of cocaine. Then just send him to parties and other random social events. Maybe one episode we send Andy Milonakis to wake Mike up with an air horn. Who wouldn’t want to watch that fat ugly freak get pummeled and sodomized on national television? Lets see him try to think of some of his funny little rap songs while his B-hole gets demolished by an angry negro with morning breath. There really are endless possibilities. And by the way, Coked-Up Champion is completely uncensored. No bleeps, no blurring out blood, no turning the camera away during rapes or sexual assaults. And it needs to be televised between Spongebob and Dora the Explorer so we can build that young fan base.

All in all, I don’t think Mike Tyson is shown enough respect as far as great people go. Arguably the greatest boxer of all time, and he doesn’t even have a statue anywhere. I think we all need to work harder to look past the rape accusations, and the assaults, and the biting incident, and the drug problem, and the domestic violence, and the sexual harassments so we can see him for the true person that he is; A guy who gets paid millions to punch people in the face. Im on your side Mike.