Thanks, but no thanks

A recent conversation with someone offering their services to our site, for a small fee.

"Hey there Forced Entry! I'm Alan, a big fan of your site, and I wanted to help you guys out. I'm a photoshop expert, and I really want an outlet for my creativity. My current blog, Confessions of an Auto-Asphyxiate and Bed-Wetter, just isn't getting the hits I expected, and when I clicked on your sitemeter and saw the literal DOZENS of hits you guys get daily, I figured I should try to hitch my wagon to YOUR star."

FE: Okay, so what did you have in mind?

Alan: "I was thinking maybe I could show you some of my work, and you can decide if you'd have a place for it on your website. I charge very reasonable freelance prices, too."

FE: [checking watch] Um, okay, lets see some of the things you've got for us.

Alan: "Okay, how about this. It's sort of a work-in-progress, but you can probably get the overall feel for what I'm trying to portray."

[Shows us a picture of Heath Ledger naked and dead on his bed with an audience laughing in the background, and the caption reads "Dead Faggot"]

FE: Hmm, that might be a little harsh for our audience. We consider Heath Ledger a treasured actor and wouldn't want to hurt his legacy in any way, in light of his recent death.

Alan: "Okay, okay, I don't want to offend anyone, of course, of course. How about something a little more highbrow. Some political commentary maybe?"

FE: Sure, we've been trying to up the intelligence of this blog for quite some time now.

Alan: "Great! Oh shit, where are my political pictures? Lets see here....pedophilia, past girlfriends (recently deceased), porn (man-beast)--oops, went too far-- here it is, politics. Here's one I've been sitting on for a while."

[pulls out a picture of Princess Diana's funeral, with her son kicking over her casket and a caption reading: "Is this how a prince should behave?"]

FE: [whispering to each other]

Hmm, we're a little confused by what you're trying to say there. Also, the Princess Di issue is a little outdated, do you have anything more in tune with the current political atmosphere?

Alan: "Oh most definitely! I actually worked for a little bit on the Hillary campaign, pro-bono--but after the restraining order, I was thinking of switching sides and supporting McCain. I hate to show this to you, because I was hoping that I could use it at a crucial point in the general election to put McCain over the top in November. It's probably my greatest achievement--something that will really make the liberals take a long look at who they're voting into office and maybe scare some sense into them."

[Pulls out a picture of Obama biting a baby's neck, with the caption "Do we really want a n*gger president?]

FE: You know, we're actually pretty much over budget as it is right now, but we'll call you if we have any needs you might be able to help us with.

Alan: "But I didn't even give you my number! Hold on, DON'T WALK AWAY! I have my card somewhere here... Ah! Here it is!"

FE: Um, this is an official NAMBLA membership card.

Alan: "Yeah!"

[15 seconds of silence]

FE: [slowly backs away]

Alan: "Don't forget ol' Alan! For all your photoshop needs!"