In an attempt to shake off the notion that anonymous internet nerds suck the funny out of everything, as we had been starting to notice taking place on this very site, two-thirds of the gang at Forced Entry (“gang at forced entry”, that oughtta up the google hits) decided to take a field trip into New York City to get drunk and enjoy some interaction with some real life human beings. And boy are we glad we did. As we were walking through Union Square this past Friday night, we stumbled upon what has to be some sort of world record for the largest gathering of people to ever embarrass themselves at the same time.
The idea apparently started—you guessed it—on the internet. You know those internet memes that just don’t seem to go away? Where people make the same tired joke over and over and over again and think that they’re clever whereas they’re actually just aping whatever e-trend seems to be taking over the blogs these days? This is that concept in human form. Only much, much douche-chillingly worse.
What can be worse than running a stupid Chuck Norris or Rick Astley reference into the fucking ground, you ask? Well, first of all it has to include dancing. But let’s raise the bar a little more —let’s include dancing without any fucking music.
You see, this is a SILENT rave, where everyone dances to the beat of their own iPod. So to outside observers like us, it’s just a bunch of white people without any rhythm enhanced a thousand times because there’s no music to mask that fact even a little bit.
So we decided to make our way into the crowd and get a little information on who these people really are and what made them decide to join in this shame-fest.
Here’s Keith and Kathy, not necessarily in that order. We forgot which was which after they told us. The one on the left was brutish and more than a little scary when we tried engaging in conversation, so we’ll assume that one’s Keith. Keith was floor punching, thrashing around, and head-butting everyone and everything that came near him, so we tried to keep our distance, but we snuck in a quick snapshot right before he came over and socked us in the nuts. You can see the enraged look on his face as he realized what we were doing.
Kathy, as you can see, is blissfully unaware of her surroundings, just happy to be in Keith’s presence and under his protection. She’s even holding his iPod for him. What a nice young lady. She should really use some Nair on those sideburns though.
If we had to venture guesses as to what they were listening to, we’d say Keith is listening to Scrotum Grinder and Kathy is listening to Vampire Weekend.
Ethan was standing in an empty area, sort of swaying side-by-side, and his eyes looked glassy and distant. We walked up to him to talk and after he gave us his name, he sort of grunted, shuffled aside, and walked away. It was at that point we noticed that his ear buds weren’t plugged into anything.
Moving right along…
The night started to get even more embarrassing as some different crowds started to make their way over to the silent rave. Our guess was that this was such an epic mass of doucheyness that it created a magnet effect which sucked in all the shameless tangential douches within a 10 block radius. They began attracting like flies.
It began with these fun-lovers:
Nothing says fun like wacky get-ups and bubbles. The guy in the back there appears to be involuntarily cringing.
Then came the battle of the century:
It started with this guy, who stood outside the mass of off-rhythm gyrating sweaty bodies and held that creepy smile on his face the entire night. He was getting hugs left and right, no doubt for the hard work he put into that terrific sign of his. When he told us that he used only a piece of paper and a magic marker to make that masterpiece, we were taken aback.
However, his popularity only raised the ire of this fellow:
This guy claimed that he had been there “hours earlier than that asshole” and he was given “at least, like, 400 hugs already, and now this guy’s coming in and taking my territory”. We can definitely understand why he was so upset though--his simple t-shirt, which sports the phrase “Free Hugz, CHANGE THE World” on it, just can’t compete with a plastic-smiled gentleman holding a professionally made sign consisting of bubble-letters, peace signs, hearts, and a smiley face. We did not ask what that was dripping out of his backpack.
Just as we thought the game was over on the Free Hugs competition, a new contestant made their way over:
These chicks started taking business away from both of the dudes, so the dudes began to get desperate. First, “sign guy” (he wouldn’t give us his name for some unknown reason) went out and recruited people to stage fake hugs in front of everyone, so he could still give the appearance that he was a hot commodity, and that a hug from him was more valuable than a hug that contains two sets of breasts. It got so pathetic that he actually walked to the nearest corner, and handed a bum 2 dollars in exchange for a long, smelly embrace.
That’s not coffee in that styrofoam cup.
“T-Shirt guy” walked off in a huff, yammering something about how the Free Hugs campaign has become commodified and corporatized and some other such nonsense that we didn’t understand. Unfortunately for “sign guy”, however, this drop in competition and his desperate shenanigans with the bum didn’t keep the guys and girls from attracting to the females for their hugs.
But he was undaunted. Little did we know that he had one last ace up his sleeve in a last-minute desperation move for some form of human contact and attention:
It was at this point that we decided to get the hell out of the area.
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