Celebrity Death Tournament Round 1 - (1) Paris Hilton vs. (16) Paulie Shore

Our panel of experts discuss and vote on the first match-up of the tournament:

Bowlfart Q. Rocketdick:

These are two completely different types of obnoxiousness.

Paris Hilton is the obvious favorite, since she's despised by pretty much everybody. She continues to be all over the place--tv, magazines, my rape fantasies, music, and even movies. Apparently people still shell out money for this bird-faced twat to have her and her stupid autistic-looking expression in their stuff. I honestly don't see how anyone sees the least bit of attractiveness in this hag. I've expressed this sentiment before, but I would jerk off daily to a porn featuring her acquiring AIDS. And I'd subscribe to the series of videos that follows, where she slowly starts losing hair and teeth and eventually dies from a case of the sniffles being too much for her battered immune system to take.

Paulie Shore on the other hand is mostly known for being "the annoying guy" in everything he's in. MTV--he was "the annoying guy" who talked between videos. Encino Man, "the annoying guy" who hung out with a caveman. Bio-Dome, "the annoying guy" who made one of the other Baldwins actually look talented in comparison to him. Jury Duty, "the annoying guy" who sat in on a court case.

But as annoying as the guy is, at least he knows his place and realizes that he's just a hack comedian who has already peaked and now pretty much wallows in obscurity. Paris Hilton, though-- she actually believes that she's this gifted artist and humanitarian, even though she's most famous for lazily fucking some guy on a shaky night-vision camera. I don't think anyone would be affected in any negative way if Paris Hilton died tomorrow. And that includes her family and friends.

Vote: Paris Hilton


Dr. Edwin McDouche:

Paris Hilton - What is there to say about her that hasn't been said before? I'm sick of seeing her and I still don't know why I see her. Shes not a celebrity. She got famous for being rich and being in a porn. But mostly for being rich. Can you tell me the name of the girl R Kelly pissed on? No, you cant. Now, had this been Michael Eisner's daughter, we'd be watching music videos and reality shows starring this urine soaked whore with a bad upbringing.

Paulie Shore - Fuck. When I think of all the 2 hour segments of my life that this dry cocksucker wasted, it makes me want to cut a bald eagles throat. This is the only comedian Ive ever heard of who told such bad jokes during his stand-up routine, that a guy from the audience actually got up on stage and punched him in the face. At the end of every Paulie Shore movie I have the same facial expression, a combination of "ready to puke face" and that face you make when you have a real bad shit cramp and you know its diarrhea. "In the Army Now" would be the worst movie of all time if it weren't for Heath Ledger blowing another cowboy on the big screen. Some things have a way of working out in the end.

Verdict: In a shocking upset, my vote goes for Paulie Shore. He needs to die and he needs to die soon. If this sack of shit makes another cent in the entertainment business, I may end my own life first.

Vote: Paulie Shore


Sir Winston Assmonger III:

Paris Hilton - Agreed. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said before as to how worthless she is. So, I'll use my rant to point out another glaringly obvious fact. She looks like the Toxic Avenger in a blond wig with that lazy fucking eye of hers... click here for visual evidence.

Paulie Shore - Yeah, he's annoying, yeah his show on fox was fucking painful, and yeah listening to him talk is like fingernails on a chalkboard - BUT, I'm pretty happy about where Paulie Shore is at in pop culture right now. He had his time in the sun but now he's festering at the bottom of the Hollywood chum bucket trying to claw his way out of the F-list along with other painfully annoying celebrities like Kathy Griffin. His only purpose in life now is when spring break rolls around, some executive asshole pulls his number out of the Rolodex and gives him a gig entertaining drunk frat boys with the same bad material he's been using for the past 15 years. Speaking of which, I'm also really happy to know that for the rest of his life (and most likely in his obituary) he will forever hear even less funny no-names repeating his own shitty material back to him thinking they were the first witty person to do so. That alone must be driving his crazy and it really is a gift from Jesus himself.

Deciding Vote: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton advances to the 2nd round

Post-script--

Mr. Rocketdick:

So Paris wins. Thank Christ for that, because I wouldn't want our top vote-getter getting upset in the 1st round.

The Toxic Avenger likeness is uncanny. I never would've realized that.

A little tidbit that may make you hate Paulie Shore a little more, Dr. McDouche. That time when he got punched on stage? He actually staged that so that he could get more publicity. That's the level that asshole sank to for some type of coverage.

Dr. McDouche:

He fucking staged that? When I first saw that video I said to myself "Its about fucking time"

I cant believe that. That really pisses me off.