When most people hear the name Mike Tyson, negative thoughts come to mind. Don’t ask me how this happened, but sadly enough, it’s the truth. How could a man who has provided nothing but entertainment and hilarity for 22 years possibly be described as anything but “Great”? Apparently, raping one girl overrides 24 first round knockouts. Just doesn’t seem fair to me.
First of all, rape is an overrated crime. Secondly, when you have 218 lbs of solid muscle and rage standing in front of you with a tent building in the front of his pants, saying “No Mike, this isn’t happening” probably isn’t a very good idea. Its best to treat it like a bear attack. Just play dead and he’ll leave when hes done. And how bad of a lawyer did this guy have? I could have walked into the court room with a Mike Tysons Greateset Hits DVD and a heavy bag, and had his sentence reduced to 10 hours of community service. Hopefully that cleared up who the real victim was.
Another crime that Tyson got the short end of the stick on; in 1998 Mike punched a senior citizen in the face after a car accident. Let me explain the rule on car accidents. When you’re involved in an accident, and you get out of your car and you’re standing face to face with a pissed off animal who has a tattoo on his face, its your fault. You don’t approach a guy who knocks out 250 lb men with one punch and demand to see his insurance information. You just sit in the car, lock the doors, and face forward until the police come. And when he punches one of your windows out, that’s also your fault. It’s a lot easier to watch your insurance rates go up, than to watch your food get processed up enough so it fits through a straw.
Now that I feel I’ve made it clear that Mike Tyson is not a criminal, but a “wrong place, wrong time” kind of guy, I need to right some wrongs in his boxing career. First, he’s not 0-2 against Evander Holyfield, he’s 1-1. When a fighter leaves the ring with less body parts than he entered with, that’s a loss. And everyone praised Evander when he wanted a second fight with Tyson. I didn’t. Holyfield only did it because hes a one-trick pony. He needs boxing to entertain. Mike doesn’t, he just needs to wake up in a bad mood and cool stuff is bound to happen. Next, tell that overrated British clown Lennox Lewis to quit celebrating his false victory over Tyson. Mike took a dive, and judging by how fast Lewis retired after that, he knew it too. He was 30 million in debt and he did what only real men do, sacrificed his pride and dignity for cash. If only there were more Mike Tysons in this world…
Now Mike’s last conviction is a little different. Its tough to find a way to defend a guy who has cocaine on him when he gets pulled over. I was a little disappointed he didn’t give the typical 13 year old excuse “Im holding it for a friend”, so hopefully he’s saving that one for next time. But I do have one problem with that whole situation. If you’re a police officer, and you just pulled over a heavyweight boxer who has the mental state of an abused pitbull and now you find out he does coke too, how can the words “Reality Show” not come to mind? Way to drop the ball on that one officer. What show could ever compete with that? A bunch of faggoty emotional teenagers staying in a big house for a couple weeks? A few rich twats who live by the beach and do nothing but go around shopping and menstruating all day? True Life: I want to be a child molester? A show about Ozzy Osbourne’s stupid pathetic family? You could televise this show the same time as the Super Bowl and the NFL would reschedule. You can almost hear the people at work standing by the water cooler talking about it:
Jeff: “Did you see the new episode of Coked-UP Champion last night?”
Bob: “Yeah. I can’t believe he shattered that old ladies spine because she tried to bring 11 items in the express lane at the supermarket.”
Jeff: “Yeah the preview for next weeks episode looks good too. He eats a live kitten and then kicks the pet store managers ass.”
And it wouldn’t even really cost that much to produce. You wouldn’t need a mansion, just set him up in a 1 bedroom apartment in a nice neighborhood. One cabinet full of alcohol and a kiddie pool full of cocaine. Then just send him to parties and other random social events. Maybe one episode we send Andy Milonakis to wake Mike up with an air horn. Who wouldn’t want to watch that fat ugly freak get pummeled and sodomized on national television? Lets see him try to think of some of his funny little rap songs while his B-hole gets demolished by an angry negro with morning breath. There really are endless possibilities. And by the way, Coked-Up Champion is completely uncensored. No bleeps, no blurring out blood, no turning the camera away during rapes or sexual assaults. And it needs to be televised between Spongebob and Dora the Explorer so we can build that young fan base.
All in all, I don’t think Mike Tyson is shown enough respect as far as great people go. Arguably the greatest boxer of all time, and he doesn’t even have a statue anywhere. I think we all need to work harder to look past the rape accusations, and the assaults, and the biting incident, and the drug problem, and the domestic violence, and the sexual harassments so we can see him for the true person that he is; A guy who gets paid millions to punch people in the face. Im on your side Mike.
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