FWD;FWD;FWD;FWD;FWD;

OMG I just received teh FUNNIEST email from my bff. It's a fwd, but its not ur typical fwd. This one has ATTITOOD!

I srsly LOLd for like 5 minits wen I got this won

First of all, check out how it grabs your attention with the HUGE BRIGHT RED FONT. Damn, I'm intrigued already, and I didn't even stop to read the headline yet. What's that say?

None of that Sissy Crap

Ohhhhh shyt. NONE OF THAT SISSY CRAP. If it's one thing I hate about email forwards, it's that it's too sissy. I especially like that they didn't get too offensive by saying a relevant word people have used after 1957, like "pussy", that mighta got me fired from my job!!! but still showed off that ATTITOOD!

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

YES! I am always tired of that! I mean, I do like that they acknowledge that those poems sound good, because nobody can deny that, even this ATTITOOD-laden anti-FWD, but after reading them, I always feel that they're just not REAL enough. I want something that comes close to REALITY.

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

Ya see, this is exactly what I need to start my day. I always wonder what this person I barely speak to and dont much care for really thinks of our cherished friendship through an email that somebody else wrote. Now I can finally know the truth, and I'm holding this mild acquaintance to these promises next time I see him or her at the next general social gathering we happen to both be attending.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

Thank god for no cutesy little smiley faces. They're so CUTESY! And LITTLE! I'm too grown up for that. (I'm a little confused about when I'm gonna receive this card that they mention, but I'm sure its on its way). But the best part is that this email doesn't hold back. It's about to expose the STONE COLD TRUTH. My balls are starting to fill up a bit with anticipation.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
The sorry bastard who made you sad.

Wow, right out the gate, we've got two promises in one! Not only will my good friend help me get drunk (which is really helpful because I haven't figured out how to do it without help yet), but my good friend is gonna plot revenge against The sorry bastard who made me sad. Wow, this really is a great friend. Not only did he or she know that it was The sorry bastard who made me sad without me saying-- I mean how did he or she know that nothing else but The sorry bastard is responsible for my emotional state at any time? Only a truly great friend knows this-- but plotting revenge with me? I hope he or she isn't easily offended, because there's gonna be some prank calls and some strongly worded notes in The sorry bastard's future. Watch out, The sorry bastard! Damn, this really is close to reality.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

HAHAHA, now this one's just silly. No cutesy smiley faces, no sissy crap. Nope, watch out, we've got literal takes on figurative speech! ATTITOOD!!!

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

Can this person read me or what? And I love that he or she wants to be involved in watching retard porn and shooting a load all over my keyboard tonight.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

Ohh shit, I was waiting for a nice consoling statement like in those "sissy poems" that sound nice but aren't about reality. Instead I'm gonna get RAGGED on. How did this person know how much I HATE getting period blood on my face? Because this person is a REAL and a TRUE FRIEND, that's how.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

I love this one. And I know this person means business because he or she capitalized the "W" in Worse. This is tough love, and only a TRUE FRIEND like him or her can be REAL enough to show it to me.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

Baaaah! It's ridiculous how much this person really, truly knows me. Only a TRUE FRIEND will point out how fucking vapid I am and rub it in my face like that. I love that my TRUE FRIEND is a condescending asshole.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
Again. I don't want whatever you have.

You got me there! This is just too REAL! What a TRUE goddamn cocksucking nunraping dogshiteating FRIEND you are! Unnecessary capitalization of "Again" also shows just how REAL this person is. Proper grammar? Fuck that, that's for "sissies".

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Ya know, if this were anyone else sending me this, I'd probably be pissed off at the fact that the same joke was used 8 different times (make it seem you're gonna console me in my moment of weakness, then BOI-OI-OING, turn it around and rub it in my face!). I might even think my time was wasted by reading this. But since this is my TRUE FRIEND, I know it's just REALITY. This email is so fucking REAL that just reading this has caused pure liquid REALITY to spill out of my fucking pisshole.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".
Friendship is like peeing in your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Wow, this was so fucking worth reading to the end there. If I had given up by same joke number 6, I would've missed (1) that rhyming oath at the end (2) BOLD GREEN TEXT and (3) the BEST FUCKING METAPHOR I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE ABOUT FRIENDSHIP! PEEING YOUR PANTS!

LOL

LMAO

RLFOR

Please keep sending me these FWDs.