According to Jim

Since the writers are on strike and networks are scrambling for anything new to air, we here at Forced Entry are offering our scripts for free.

Here's our episode of the hit ABC show, "According to Jim":

[scene 1 – In the living room]

wife: Jim lets go its time to go to church.
Jim: (burp) no
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: but honey, our son is making his confirmation today
Jim: who cares I wanna watch the bears game
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: but jim u know how important this is to our son
Jim: I’m gonna go drink beer and fart im my truck
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
wife: oh Jim
Jim: my brothers dead
audience: hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[scene 2 – In bed together]

Jim: "HEY HONEY, ALL THIS PORK I ATE IS MAKING MY ASS CRACK SWEAT!" (laughter)

Wife: "Jim, you shouldn't have eaten that whole plate, the kids have no dinner now!" (laughter)

Jim: "OH WELL, F*CK 'EM, THEY CAN GO OUT AND KILL ANIMALS LIKE REAL MEN!" (roaring laughter)

Wife: "But Jim, they're only small children, and one of them is a girl anyways"

Jim: *farts for 20 straight seconds*

[scene 3 – the wives talking to each other]

"My husband is a fat pig" HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

"My husband drinks beer and watches football" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"My husband beats me and finger fucked our 13 year old daughter" (pause)....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[scene 4 – in the living room]

wife: "Jim, you have to go take out the garbage"
Jim: "NO WAY! IT'S THE 4TH QUARTER OF THE BEARS GAME!" (audience laughter)

Jim: "WHAT ARE YOU COOKING FOR DINNER TONIGHT? IT BETTER HAVE SOME RED MEAT IN IT!" (audience laughter)
hot wife: "Actually, I made a salad with grilled chicken in it"
Jim: "WHAT? SAL-AD? I NEVER HEARD THAT WORD BEFORE!" (roaring laughter)

[end scene – in the living room]

hot wife: Jim, I got tickets to the opera tonight
Jim: (FARTS LOUDLY) (audience laughs for 5 straight minutes and gives a standing ovation)

[roll credits]